considering thinking about getting ready

Current mood: sleeptermined
Category: sleeptermined Life

Lumped out on me bed listening to tunes on the ipod Beth got me for Xmas. We have 3 parties to go to this evening. Really want to go to all of them, feel like going to sleep until Jan 4th. This our last New Year in Columbus, definitely moving to Chicago asap, so better go out on a burn. Last stop 11 onwards will be at Thurmans for anyone who fancies it.....

Currently listening :
Relationship of Command
By At the Drive In
Release date: 2004-11-09

You want chilli sauce with that my friend?

Current mood: filmic doom

The air outside Beth's mum ad dad's house sounds like waves crashing on a rocky beach. Cool, but we are thousands of miles inland. The air in Illinois is lurching like a pisshead weaving his way home with a 2 am babby, spraying doner, lettuce and chilli sauce all over the place. For londoners, its that localised whirlwind that whips up the leaves, blown up to armageddon proportions. The weather that they send idiot weather people over here to stand in, to show how stupid it would be to go outside. Like being in an end of days film. Cool......

Currently listening :
Strange Days
By The Doors
Release date: 2007-03

The Chinese

Current mood: rangoony
Category: rangoony Food and Restaurants

Just back from meal 3 of the day. Asked what the name of the restaurant was. I was told "The Chinese" I said it must have a name, surely? this went to "Its been here forever. Its the only one, until finally a name rolled out "Yen Ching" Thanks Yen Ching. Top food and my new favourite, crab rangoon. I avoided crab rangoon for years, always sus on what rangoon meant. Turns out it must mean cream cheese. Wish I'd know this years ago, although I think my arteries are grateful I didn't. Props for the vicious chinese soundtrack, like eating in a major battle in an episode of The Water Margin.
New plan, leave tomorrow really early for Columbus. Sounds a lot like the old plan.....
Wind currently blowing at death level around us. We are living in Twister again. For a crappy film, Twisters basic concept really has some legs.

Currently listening :
Eastern Sounds
By Yusef Lateef
Release date: 2006-07-1

Edit, the bastard

Current mood: busy doing nothing

Got tons of gigs that I field recorded. Need to cut out bits and put them up. Tried to put me and Rhonda's Xmas special up, way too big. I have the stuff to do the edit. I love the gigs and the songs. I have to get my arse in gear and do it. Help me magic coffee, cure the idle comic, who just wants to sit on his arse, watch crap TV and try and remember the funny bits so he can repeat them on stage for money. Shit. One of our great secrets out of the bag. Um, Move along please, nothing to see here......
When it doubt german pyschedelia, see below.
The Magma album is psychedelic. Its also an amalgam of Philip Glass, Wagner, Falco, and a march across the Polish border. Elegant, technically perfect and ever so slightly fascist. Lovely.

Currently listening :
Mekanik Destruktiw Kommandoh
By Magma
Release date: 2004-01-01

Dowdy's stuff

Buffalo? Ted Nugent?

Current mood: RAWK!!!!!

Miglin is playing Guitar Hero so well that Ted Nugent turned up on stage riding a buffalo and challenged her to a guitar duel. Aced that, now they are on stage at a virtual stage fair playing stranglehold. We are never sleeping again. This game is now mainlining adrenalin and rocky stariness...

Currently listening :
Double Live Gonzo!
By Ted Nugent
Release date: 1990-09-2

Props out to Pauly B and Punky Radio

Current mood: grateful
Category: Friends

Paulyb put Burning Orphanage on Punky radio's Xmas special as the anti-festive tune of the season. I wrote and thanked him for the buzz he helped me with. He wrote back saying while he was happy to help , he didn't think he'd helped that much. Hmm.....
Dec 23rd Orphanage goes out on Punky Radio
Dec 25th Put tune on reverbnation.
Dec 29th. Gone up 2500 places on the comedy album charts on reverbnation.
Thank ypu for theminimal help you threw my way Paulyb.
So everyone go listen to Punky Radio. Its excellent and Mr Edwards is hilarious,
Lets see if my minimal help can do even a 10th as much as you did for me.....

Currently listening :
Rare Earth in Concert
By Rare Earth
Release date: 1989-08-24

Same old Dowdy, always eating. (tune of Big Ben chime)

Los Torros Top Mexican
Current mood: full getting fuller
Category: full getting fuller Food and Restaurants

Back from dinner. Excellent mexican food. really fresh and not too heavy. About to ruin the shrimp chimichanga health food regime with a big slice of cake and whipped cream. Just got dessert, make that a slice of pecan pie and a big slice of cake.....

Currently listening :
La Bamba
By Original Soundtrack
Release date: 2008-01-13

I blog now, just in case...

Current mood: hungry
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

About to go out for food. don't know what kind. Know that it will have a sophomoric effect. Whatever great idea may occur while I'm out, will probably be lost in a blissy sleep. Take it as red, it was a corker......

Currently reading :
Calculation of Drug Dosages: A Work Text
By Sheila J. Ogden

Sip from the glass and drink from the cup

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

No movement until the morning. Cool. I'm ready to settle back into a big soft cushion of bugger all, sinking down into blissy sleep. Now on Twitter, which is really good. It updates on my facebook and myspace, so I get to spout even more crap on a daily basis. I'm a global bullshit fountain, painting the inter-air with ideas of nebulous, dubious worth.

Currently listening :
My Field Trip to Planet 9
By Justin Warfield
Release date: 1993-07-13

Honeybake the ham and bless the room....

Decisions, decisions....
Current mood: food drugged
Category: food drugged Life

We are supposed to be on the road to Columbus. A ham sandwich food coma means we have just woken up here in Illinois. Its 3:30 pm, 4:30 pm Ohio time. Do we go or chill out and stay, leaving tomorrow morning at 6 am? My vote is more drugged ham, more blissy sleep, and an early start...

Currently watching :
Reefer Madness
Release date: 2002-07-30

More about me.....

Current mood: froggy

Simon has just sent off a resume. He is being interviewed by the Columbus Dispatch sometime this week. Simon believes that talking about himself in the third person is a sure fire way to hurl himself into an ego-chasm.

Currently reading :
Being and Nothingness -
By Jean-Paul Satre -

Boxed

Modern Dictation Reality
Current mood: ass-kicked
Category: ass-kicked Life

You stand focused and a little nervous. Fists cocked you channel The Quiet Man, and what you remember of the Marquis of Queensbury's rules. The clock counts down. You tense. You are nervous, but prepared. The bell sounds and you throw out an inquisitive left hook. Your opponents fists blur before you and your head starts rocking. One minute later you lie eyes unfocused, pummeled into the mat. You have just played a 6 year old girl at Wii boxing.

Currently listening :
The Cure - Greatest Hits
By The Cure
Release date: 2001-11-13

Beer, beer, i needed some beer....

Sober over-eating sucks
Current mood: bursting to be fuller

Pissed eating is a trip to the omnivore fair. Every ride and taste a thrill-ride, that you know will make you sick, but its so exciting. Pissed over eating can take you to places you didn't know existed. Microwave kebabs? Genius! They'll go with the one's I've already had.
Sober is a futile attempt to see gluttony as a plus.
"Its cold, I need the fat to see me through until spring."
The good angel grows on your shoulder like a giant bird shit, ruining focus and making you remember that gym membership you don't use.
Gotta go, i think there is some pie left.......

Nice Party

Back from John and Kates. Mates started turning up with their kids 4:30 or so. Just left, its about 11pm. Top party. Played charades with clues that made no sense, "Blah, blah. blah" What do you do with that? More than you would think.
Learned that Guitar hero is best played by kids, women and none musicians. I've played guitar since I was six, and I'm shit at it.
Told things I shouldn't know, happens most parties, and had a great time with our friends, their kids and their families.
Stone cold sober deliberating food. Sober over-eating takes some rationalisation.

Currently listening : Guitar Hero 3 By Original Video Game Soundtrack

Illinois Death Weather Gone

The Day After Yesterday
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Life

Illinois flooded. It did not blow away. Looked like it would for a while, but the clouds never got to death level. If the sky goes jet black and starts to spin, virgin or not, you are fucked.
Went to john snd Kates in the evening, through bad but not lethal rain. Only worry was there were 80 mile an hour gusts knocking about. Stay in surely? Would of, but we were touring Guitar Hero, and the gig must go on.
Had fantastic chinese, drank cranberry vodka, then narco'd out for a few hours. Awpke with Beth and Kate ready to rock. And rock they did.
Igf you have never heard Killdozer, do yourself a favour and get the album below. They are excellent and not what you would think....

Currently listening : Uncompromising War on Art Under the Dictatorship of the Proletariat By Killdozer Release date: 1994-03-14

Herself arrives.

Current mood: bit breezy

Sitting under a tornado watch at Beths mum and
dads house. TV sputtered to live with all sorts of dire warnings and instructions of what we had to do. Carl and Jan went to the basement. Beth and I sat upstairs looking out of the picture windows eating pie and drinking coffee.
Amazing sight. The clouds dipped right to the ground and began to slowly rotate. Bad sign I think. Beth's answer was to rock out guitar hero style in the face of the coming appocalypse.
As I type ,the warnings just started spraying across the TV again. I think living in a city is the best option....

Currently listening :
Don't Fear the Reaper: The Best of Blue

The Joy of Guitar Hero.

Current mood: rocked out
Category: rocked out Parties and Nightlife

Beth awakes. Her first statement?
"I'm gonna have a cup of coffee,then I'm gonna rock out!"
Beth and her brother were playing together against the Wii. It went bad and they got booed off. John's next statement?
But you were playing the Bass!"
This games rocks, in a slightly scary, voyage to the Hendrix Wickerman sort of way.

Currently listening : Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix By Jimi Hendrix

Call the banshee, she will come.

Current mood: blustery

Its raining, under that wind that all mid-westerners know and fear. We are under a tornado watch. The temp went from sub-zero and is on its way to 60F way too fast. The air is preparing to belch. No one knows where. Know that watching Twister last night was not a smart idea.
Took Abbey out. She looked around, twitched, gave me a fuck this for a game of soldiers look and double-timed back into the house.
I should know better. Bambi and Watership Down tried to teach us, if an animal takes a look at something and rushes off the other way....?
Something shithouse this way comes.
I'm the idiot who likes to stand outside when the air gets supernaturally still. This means you are in the eye of the storm. If it comes your way you are dead.
I love american weather, it does not mess about. Hot, cold, raining, windy. It will kill you if it can. Bless.

This supermarket is genius

Current mood: impressed with store

Category: impressed with store Fashion, Style, Shopping

Earlier this year, same supermarket, I went in the wrong aisle 8 things or whatever that shit is,all I knew is that aisle said tobacco. Girl tutted and looked at the sign.
I said, "Shouldn't have let me unload then. Ring it up."
Big sigh from the bloke behind. Turned and looked at him. He had one apple. One apple!
I said, "Is there a William Tell party I'm keeping you from?"
"Girl behind the counter said, "There's always one."
I said, "Yeah. don't worry about it.'
Then realised she was talking about me.
Fuck you charisma minger! Ring it up.
I love this store.

Its Herself

.
Current mood: fritty kid
Category: fritty kid Dreams and the Supernatural

Its morning, I woke up. I am alone. Just messing. This morning Illinois is being swept by the wind direct fom Baskerville Hall. Beth's mum and dad live on a golf course, so the banshee has free reign to swoop, gathering the fear of Irish catholics like myself, so riddled with superstition, that I keep my eyes closed outside in case I see herself and the rest of the house drops dead.
Its my grandad's fault. The greatest ghost storyteller ever. He started every tale by telling us, "I don't believe any of this, but this is what I was told..." His tale of the gray lady when he was a sergeant in the Irish army, kept me scared and awake, well, until now actually....

My Favourite Heckle of the year

wasn't even on stage. Buying stuff in the supermarket.
Girl says "Is the amount ok?"
I said, "Of course it isn't. Ring it up anyway."
Sour trout behind me in the queue gives it smoky road, and said, "Ah Wiseguy..."
Wiseguy? How cool a heckle is that?
Told her not to worry, 3 ghosts, a vision of the future and then a day of turkey giving awaited her.
Laugh she did not.
Cool.

Pea-super.

Ye Olde Brigadoon Walmart Trip
Current mood: Walfucked
Category: Walfucked Life

Went shopping in Walmart hell. The way there was shrouded i fog so thick, we passed it and turned to guess the way. Walmart eventually loomed, promising cheap shit built on shattered lives and a cavalier disregard for employee health care. Full of those people who think shopping is important. They go out at sale time and block proper shoppers from going in and out. bastards. Sort of people who would queue on Amazon.com
Filled my cart with cheap crap I did not need. went to pay, stuck in a queue of Tards trying to use their blockbuster card to pay. Not enough tills open. Did I get stressed?
No. i have the capitalist solution,which everyone can try out.
When you get twitchy and pissed off, start removing crap from your cart and building a discard pile. If they waste your time, cut their profit. Its fun. My pile got pretty tall, started to take on a Jenga aspect. They saw what I was doing and more tills opened. Too late Walfuck. You have lost quite a bit by being so shit.
Honestly try this tactic. Its legal, and it makes queueing funny...
Drove back on a country road in the fog. Cross between Blood Simple and In the Mouth of Madness. Quiet. images seen but not seen. If a kid riding backwards on his bike had turned up, would have made sense.

Currently listening :
Nothing's Shocking
By Jane's Addiction
Release date: 1990-10-25

Dowdy's Tips Cross your references

I once pulled a very pretty blonde because I knew that Cypress Hill had sampled "Son of a Preacher Man" for "Hits from the Bong."

"That's my favourite song!" hmm....

For those dating in London. If your date smells like a very cool bookshop, its a fair bet she is wearing White Musk by the Body Shop. Try it, you'll look like a perfume genius. My gift to you.

Modern Dicktation 12 Tunes

You wake up. You are alone in a room that bleeds pyscedelic beauty that fills your heart with the feral, pounding, blood firing rhythm of life. You know everybody is going to make it this time. You smile. A thumping comes from the kitchen, a vehicle blots out the sky, and parks out front. You have just had sex with Bootsy Collins

Currently listening :
Free Your Mind...And Your Ass Will Follow
By Funkadelic

Modern Dictation 11b History

You wake up. You are not alone, yet you are. The room is 70's hell, curtains hanging on for dear life and yesterdays toast sulking in the corner. Last night was, well, actually, really, well it was. An authoratitive voice booms around you and you realise the world is beautiful yet sadly depressing, all at once, yet not at all. Hope fades. You have just had sex with the late great harold pinter

Early morning coming up

Been up for 2 hours. loaded up on coffee and a bagel that Jan gave me (Vital). Been out with Abbey, 4 times as we travelled the icy rocky road to the morning poop. I thought she just wanted to be outside sniffing the air. Realised I was wrong when the poop arrived. Once done she looked at me, twitched and ran for the house. She was as cold as me, just had to poop outside...
What will today bring? more Black Magic Wii? Likely.

fun but.....

Black Magic Wii
Current mood: wiival dead

Forgot to bring the sensor bar for the Wii. You can still play if you sit in front of lit candles..... I think I've seen this film before

Harold and Eartha, thank you.

I loved Harold Pinter and Eartha Kitt for basically the same reason. They both followed their own path, and did it as well as they possibly could. You can ask no more of any artist. i don't care what form the art takes, or if it is the sort of art I like. Anyone who pushes themselves as hard as they can, and brings everything they have to what they do, has my respect and gratitude. Rest easy kids, your job here is done.

That's what xmas is supposed to be like.....

After the myopic prime rib cakey baileys fueled apoca-start of the early morning, Xmas day was amazing. Went to see Eleanor and family at her retirement home. Not like an english old folks home where the walls are stained with the crushed dreams of the rotting residents, American retirement homes are lovely things, set in large grounds, with shops and cafes, Makes you want to age.

Learned I didn't know anything about wahat was going on.

Leah (Beth's second cousin) engaged to Adam (top bloke) and living Frisco way.

Rachel (Beth's second cousin) running a restaraunt in Austin Texas.

Beth's cousins.

Ed and Jean.

Ed very generously along with Diane, masterchef of Chi-town, offered to let us stay at their house while we find a house in Chicago. They own the coolest house I have ever seen. 4 storeys, 360 view of Chicago from the top.

Jean

God knows why Jean and I never got to talk before. She is great, really funny and a total sweetheart.

Eleanor.

we were there for a party for Eleanor. She had a stroke not so long ago, though you wouldn't know it to look at here. She did get very tired as time went on, but I think she had a lovely day overall.

Nodded out a bit late doors, MS narcolepsy. Then home, found my wallet (phew) and now just chilling. great day....

punky xmas special

ec 24, 2008 8:45 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [?]
Subject:
You're on Punky! Radio...
Body:
Hello there,

We’re playing “Burning Orphanage” on this week’s Punky! Radio. Please bulletin your friends/email your fans/post on your website/phone your gran/go tell it on the mountain/kick a tramp/do anything you can to let as many people as possible know that you’re on the show this week and it can be downloaded at www. punkyradio. com, www. punkyradio. btpodshow. com and at itunes. There is also a 3 minute preview of the show on www. myspace. com/punkyradio.

Cheers and thanks!

Paulybx

PS. Could you ask your fans/friends to vote for the show here:

http://www. podcastalley. com/one_vote2. php?pod_id=7539

And vote yourselves - the more votes, the more listeners!

Immortal Moments in British Comic History

Current mood: archivist
Category: archivist Life

" Sorry about your mothers back, she fucking moved while I was shaving her...."
Brendon Burns At a seminary college gig in Oxford.

"I'm fucking Jimi Hendrix I am."
Noel James stuffing a mike into the speakers, fucked off at the posh kids at a ball in Cambridge. Then randomly bought on then girlfriend Harriet Bowden insisting, "She's posh like you, you'll like her..."

"You keep bringing them, I'll keep burying you...."
Natalie Haynes, at the underground bar gig in West Hampstead.

"Lets put our hands together, and pray for a better gig next week..." Mark Lammar after a nightmare compere.

"Dear Captain Cash, please send me 100 quid so I don't have to do that gig in Greenwich, where act after act goes on and dies on their arse....."
Ian Cognito bad Sunday night at Up the Creek.

"Do you ever find yourself slumped into front of porn on the telly, haagen daaz and vodka splayed in front of you, weeping at how shit your life turned out?"
Liz Webb Screaming Blue at the dog and fox in wimbledon. Still one of the best lines I've ever heard.

"The reason we keep booking you Si, is for the moment you say 'The reason this gig isn't working is threefold..." and then you tear the room to pieces. Hilarious." Said to me by The Cot Death Kid and Ian Bass when I asked why they kept paying me good money to come and tank their rough-house gigs.

That was Simon Dowd. lovely boy, might be a bit ill." Jo Caulfield at Screaming Blue in Hemel after I'd done 25 minutes of stuff that made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

'The acoustics in there are rubbish. You can't hear them laughing...." A comic who shall remain nameless
More as they occur to me

Edinburgh

Concrete Abstract
Current mood: sort of humble...

Been sitting thinking of the show I'm going to bring to Edinburgh. I was going to call it Home, as my switch from the shakespeare back to stand up has made me feel the most comfortable I have ever felt as a performer.
Props out to Actors Theatre in Columbus, who let me rebuild myself, at a point when I thought I would never perform again. They taught me an awful lot of technique I never had, and showed me new ways of performing that I have of course stolen and factored into my act.
My thought now is to call the show Concrete Abstract. This is the best name I can think of right now for what I consider perfect stand up. Concrete Abstract means never saying exactly what you are talking about, whilst planting a concrete image in your audiences mind. Nigh on impossible to do, but I'm gonnna have a lot of fun trying

You gotta tab acid, if not you get your ass kicked

Drugs. Good? Bad? Depends. Nice spliff. lovely. Heroin? Bad. Percacet? Amazing. you can only do 3 days of it. I had it after my wisdom tooth was taken out. Day 3 looked in the mirror and said. "My tooth does not hurt that bad...." Do a couple of days, keep the rest for a rainy afternoon. Coke? Death for a comic. Timing gone, personality torched. Advil? Great for wounded actors, keeps you moving when you shouldn't. Steroid treatment for MS? The highest high ever. Wouldn't advise it. Acid? If you knew have I think all the time, you would know why I don't do it. i think tabbing acid might actually trip me normal. And who wants that?

day snooze

In the cave
Current mood: complacent
Category: Life

Went out for cigarettes at sue's shop. On the way back, wandering with my tunes and my cane, the Chicago death weather arrived. Rain turning and icing in front of me as it hit the floor. like being in a shiitty 80's fantasy film, although truth is we all loved those films. Krull? Hawk the Slayer? Genius!

Got home in one piece. New plan for day, a giant comfy barrel of fuck all with a side order of nothing. Aah......

Illinois Death Weather

Supposed to be driving to Beth's mum and dad's today. Temp 22F, rain then immediate freeze. Lie driving against SubZero . Only fun if you want to end up upside down in a ditch.
years ago drove in this weather 2 and a half hours to chicago. Never seen anything like it before or since. 40 to 50 cars in the ditch, half on their roofs. Like driving in a post nuclear wasteland. Freezing cold, surrounded by death in eery white silence. I thought it was cool, Then i drove on my own in a night like that last winter. On the freeway, every car in front of me (6) span out. I thought, I am going to die. Still thought it looked cool.

Punky xmas special

Punky Xmas special
Current mood: elated
Category: elated Friends

Massive thanks to Paulyb for putting Burning orphanage on their Xmas special as the non punk but punk at heart anti-festive tune. This version is the beautifully orchestrated Seth Reisner remix with me and Rhonda thomas giving it the maximum
You can hear the show at
http://punkyradio.mevio.com/
We are about 43 minutes in. The show is great I've been downloading the podcast for weeks. I didn't think Orphanage would make it on in a million years. Bless. Now I feel like sending him the live version with a choir we punted out Sunday night....

Modern Dicktation 10d Geography

ou wake up in a bright sunny room. You are not alone. Two women lie back to back in the bed next to you. Two men stand either side of the bed, one holding a bass, the other a guitar. Flares flutter in a bonny morning breeze. You have just had sex with ABBA.

sometimes

Sometimes people are quiet and difficult to talk to because they are shy and lonely. Talk to them. They have had a lot of time to think and will tell you something amazing that you hadn't thought of. Don't let them fall. When they fall, they fall alone, and it costs us all. I write this because random people in the last few days have told me of their loneliness. If you are a lucky lippy idiot, its your job to help. As I said, they have more to offer than you think, usually more than you.

Poltergeist 4 the Reckoning

The annoyed spirit of the indian chief, that lives in the burial mound under my basement, may have met his match. Sean came out from Apollo alarms today, and I think he's cracked the schizo nature of my kitchen door alarm. That, or the chief is quietly chuckling, waiting to glide chairs around the kitchen, and have the garden erupt with the pissed off dead. I hope Sean fixed it. Beth loves that garden.

viva

Modern dicktation 10c Geography

You wake up. The sound of harrassed trolleys and squawking Alphas pass by the door of your room, which is nowhere near as flash as it thinks it is. You are alone. Your clothes are gone, your wallet is gone, your passport is gone. You smile ruefully to yourself. You have just had sex in Vegas.

Fa La La La La

A lovely end to the Xmas gig run.

Last night, opened for Pale Imitations (no question the best Imrov troupe in the city) dropped into some games and had a whale of a time with the over-sold out crowd. Field recorded it on my Zoom H2 (invaluable for recording gigs) and am gonna put up some of the audio on simondowd.com, when I work out how to do it.
The two things I really want to put up are the version of my song Burning Orphanage, where the imitations come in inthe second verse, and the improvised carol we did which sounds amazing. Most of these folks come from a music theatre background, so there's top harmonising and shit all over the show.
Came back had a small do at the house after the gig. Unfortunately Earl, one of the troupe got taken very ill. Hope he's OK Waiting to find out.
Chilled day today, actually its freezing. Cardigan, soup, slippers, couch. lovely.

Home

Early Xmas present
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life

Just got an email back from Peter Buckley Hill. Might have a chance at running an hour show for 10 days in Edinburgh next year. I want to do this so badly. i have the show, I've been running hours for a couple of years here in the states. i would love to bring it home and share it with everybody.
If not possible, I'll be looking for pickup gigs. i figure week 2/3, some of us will hve ingnited the candle both ends and need some cover. I now know one thing for sure, I am definitely coming.

The Xmas Question Current mood:moved

'Would you trade your teeth to have written Fairytale of New York?'
My answer?
'Yeah maybe...'Can I have written Rainy Night in Soho too?'
Thanks Shane. Dentists may hate you. Anyone with a heart loves you...

Modern Dicktation 10b Geography Current mood:realistic

You wake up. Last night was amazing. You are not alone. Her short skirt and skimpy underwear litter the floor, along with her casting books. The air smells of power, opportunity and determination. You are sad and have lost some weight. You realise your soul has leaked out through your feet and the light behind your eyes has dimmed. You have just had sex in LA.

locked

Yester-today
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life

Spent today rehearsing the Pale Imitations show, which goes uo tomorrow evening at Gressos. Ran the show through twice and now it feels locked, with a lot of the stretch we had gone. Its a pleasure working with Pale Imitations. They are there to do the best show possible, and everyone of them is a pro.
Back home now. Toast. Just ahead of an MS coma, so if the blog reads like bollocks, you are reading the inside of my head.
Yesterday, went to Easton, lunch at Cheesecake factory (excellent). Back, passed out, woke up at 6 and went drinking with Sonda, Dave and Ezra. It was like partying in London for the evening. Dave and Sonda are displaced New York kids, so spent the evening drinking and speaking the same language....

witness

Modern Dicktation 10a Geography
Current mood: quiet

You wake in on old looking room. It would rain but God has decreed not. You feel guilty. You are not alone. Her home made duds and bibles litter the floor. The room smells of honest sweat, boiled cabbage, and the faint odour of crushed dreams. There is no coffee to be had. You have just had sex in Utah.
Run.

Modern Dicktation 10 Geography.

You wake to soft rain pattering lightly against the window. You are not alone. Her clothes, all black lie on the floor. The air is filled with the smell of beer, kebab, cigarettes and musk by the body shop. You have just had sex in London.

something better change

Dowdy's tips 7(?) Know when to change your ways
Current mood:glad i got out of that one

The phone rings. Its 7 am. The voice on the other end says
"Can I speak to my wife?"
You look left, aforementioned wife is there softly purr snoring. You then say
"She's in the front room, i'll just get her."
You then drum on the cupboard by your bed, pretending to go to the front room. (pathetic)
Your room mate voices worries that the house is going to be raked by machine gun fire, you will be missed, he will be killed.
Deep breath. Change your ways.....

ho ho ho motherf++++r

more xmas pressies
Current mood:cool

The cure are on Carson Daly (who i never watch), pressie for me. Saw the Cure at Glastonbury in 1990. As they hit A Forest someone at the front collapsed. Next thing a med vac helicopter flew in, over the CND pyramid stage. It was like watching Appocalypse Now for real. All the tripped out stoners in the pyramid field seemed to concur. Fave bit of that weekend being woken up sat morning in my tent by the Booya tribe, exhorting me to
'Bang your motherfucking head to this!' Tune.
If you like rap, particularly the tripped out blue note crate digging kind, pick up Justin Warfield My Field Trip to Planet 9. cool as fuck. Merry Xmas.

Currently listening:
My Field Trip to Planet 9
By Justin Warfield
Release date: 1993-07-13
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merry xmas

Ayub Ogada
Current mood: blissful

My Xmas gift to you, dear readers (whoever you are) Get Ayub Ogada's album En Mana Kuoyo.
Used to work with Ayub years ago at Cafe Des Artistes in Fulham. His songs are in 6/8 mainly , which a good friend of in a long black wool coat, attempted a dance at. It was a physics puzzle. Couldn't understand how he was doing it. Being a musician with the metronome buzzing away at all times in my head, I'll never get to dance that free. Ayub is a top bloke, shared his peanuts, and his music is beautiful.
Another thing I can't do is take anything at face value. The comic that lives in my blood questions everything, and constantly looks for the joke.
This statement comes from an amazing IM I had with Mark Mann last night, where both of us laid out exactly how we do what we do. If performers in Columbus have any sense, I'd pay us to sit a room and repeat what we wrote to each other. It would be worth it. Dunno about Mark, but what I know cost me 15 years and a huge chunk of my soul....

Parapa pum pum

Lethal Weapon 5 guiness/bloody mary arse disaster
Current mood:last posty
Category: Life

Miglin wrapping presents. Me observing. I am left handed. I cannot cut with your crypto-facist right-handed scissors. Your wrapping paper is hard/difficult to deal with. Changing bulbs or plugging things with your left hand is an invitation to dice with death. You right-handers have designed the world to ruin us lefties. Bastards. All lefties are ambidextrous. we have to be. I play guitar right-handed. Imagine my disappointment at hearing Hendrix, realising that the best gutairist ever was playing left-handed, and I was on the other side playing. Bastards.
Last night ate at the Claddagh on front street. Great food. Had cabbage rolls to start (way better than its sounds), then the Brian Boru steak salad. Comes medium, i had it medium rare. Also spanked down Bloody Mary and guiness like a parched man emerging from the desert. No headache, but an arse which is playing the last post. Will be gone by this evening, for anyone going to the CATCO thingy....

Narcoslippy fun

Awake again
Current mood: awake
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Beth told me that the front step was an ice rink. she had fallen down it, but was ok, and that I should get the salt from the garage to take care of it. went down to garage. Wiped out trying to get in. Yoga training meant I took the rump landing and was fine. Didn't make the garage and tried meting the ice on the front step with Beth's posh sea salt.
Joe came over. Meant to go see Frost/ Nixon, think its out next week. Pizza, corn dogged up and watched American Movie instead. If you haven't seen it, do.
Drifted in and out of consciousness, no diss on Joe or the film. Some sort of MS narcolepsy that keeps creeping up.
Joe left. Beth came back. Came upstairs whacked radio 7 on, and remember nothing until 10 minutes ago. For any american who fancies the english accent, go online and listen to radio 7. And please stop copying me. And, no, I don't sound like the illegitimate child of Izzard and Gervais. Well, maybe a bit....

Intervention?

Mario mainlining
Current mood: amused

Up at 5:15am. Miglin still up in front of Mario focused with bloodshot Icaran dedication. When your play reaches the level of Greek myth, I think you've got your moneys worth. When questioned about how long she'd been playing, Beth said, "I did the dishes, tidied the kitchen." I think she was saying, "I'm getting clean man, clean. I can just walk away, away whenever i want." I think we need a deprogrammer......
Miglin just stopped for a coffee and then said, "I try to stop, but playing hypes me up." Yes she is heading back for another fix.....

dowdy's tips 5 looking lovely

Dowdy’s Tips 5 Conclusion
Current mood: burny

The only way to achieve weight loss is to eat rich food until the heart burn torches your desire to eat again, ever,,,,

perfect deconstruction

Perfect deconstruction
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Friends

Enjoyed my beets, goats cheese and water chestnuts wrapped in bacon. Watched the Extras Xmas special fromlast year. Forgot how good it really was. As an example of fame tearing someone to pieces, its an excellent piece of work. Also good to see Brody as the estate agent. having played Brents agent in the office Xmas special, he was convinced his place in history was to be a trivial pursuit question As I have told him over the years, he is one Edinburgh show detailing every disaster away from his own TV show. Hang on, didn't he just have one? Brods told me he was in a TV show that might go quite well.
"Whats it called?" I asked.
"Angelos," he said.
"Which character are you playing?" I asked.
"Angelo," he said.
Great reviews, new management at channel 5, show dumped.
I swear its gonna happen Brods, you cant walk around that good and stay in the wilderness forever....although it does give you good material.....

Currently watching :

cool lunch great evening

Had lunch with Nick at planks on parsons. top food. I had the lake perch with the mashed potatoes with chicken gravy and apple sauce. midwest food is great. Nick very cool, wants to be, actually judging by his work rate, is already a filmaker. Wants to meet actors in town to do projects. having talked to him for a few hours, I can recommend Nick as someone any actor interested in doing films should meet.
Waiting on beets and goat cheese for dinner, may help cure my jelly legs.

nice surprises

teve Jameson and Kevin Precious just got in touch through facebook. Really cool, I really like them and hopefully, as with everyone else will get to see them in the flesh when I hit edinburgh week 3 next year.
Spirit of indian chief in the burial mound under the basement currently chilled out.
Miglin going ever further to world wide Kart domination.
Valentines show in studio 3 at the riffe centre? If i could get it this would a fantastic way to say goodbye to Columbus.
Got to get dressed, this is important.....

the poltergeist incident

Our alarm on the kitchen door has been weird for months. Been running out of battery, and in the last week started hooking itself to the motion sensor in the garage. Scott has been coming back and forth for weeks, as we tried to suss it out. conclusion? We've upset the spirit of the indian chief that rests in the burial grounds below our basement. Today we appeased him and everything seems fine.
Scott and I then started chatting and it turns out he has seen the freakiest thing on the internet too. Its called two girls in a room. My advice? Don't go near it. If you do, don't blame me for your shattered sex life and sleepless nights. Now the poltergeist is appeased, and, as 2 girls in a room is still in existence, I think I will blog modern Dicktation 10 Freckles, after all.
low batt just went off on the kitchen door. if you are reading this Scott, i think we need some holy water and an old spiritual dwarf lady to sort this one out......

sunday, sunday

woke up early, abbey and me playing in the yard in the freezing cold for what seemed liked days ( an hour). back in the house serenaded by the lilting snores of mr bender, who didn't make it out of our house last night. By the tenor of the snores i think he was dreaming of He and beth's descent into drunken mario Kart oblivion, as some of the snores seemed to hit turbo chargers, and some seemed to take very rapid right turns. He awoke, well he rose again, refusing food for the caffeine mainline that could bring him back to full humanity. Once compus he trotted home. Beth and I then wolfed bacon sandwiches (thurns double smoked back, the best in the city) and then set to doing nothing as well as we could.Went to rehearsal with Yury at 4pm. todays rehearsal not bad, it was the one were you get the bile out, the jokes that will offend just about everybody. This is a necessary step as if you don't get them out, you tend to do them in front of paying customers. All comics do this. we have to purge ourselves to the point where what we are saying is at least palatable. Got very tired. If any of the pale Imitations thought I was passing out by the end of rehearsal, i was. Back to the house. yury and Beth back into Mario world. me tired, crabby, a total arsehole. apologies to the two drivers, nowt to do with you.now blogging while Miglin, steering wheel in hand, heads towards the promised land.Wondering whether to blog the rules of the game Freckle?

Yesterday/ Concrete Abstract.

didn't blog yesterday as I was rehearsing Pale imitations xmas gig, which is pretty much locked and is excellent. Its on next Sunday, starting with a buffet thingy at 6pm at Gressos. If you get the chance, go, its already there, we are running it again today to lock it in completely.
Then we had a xmas party which was really cool. No madness, I go to other peoples houses for that sort pf party. Great food, drink, surrounded by a ton of people i really like, whats not to love? Two great parties in two days, both ending the same way. The Miglin run at the Mario Kart world championship.
Asked to desribe what I though perfect stand up was I came up with this description. Perfect stand up is concrete abstract. I really like this description, currently trying to suss out exactly what I meant.

fuck i am so awake

Its 1:36 am. since waking up having passed out early doors, at 10 yesterday evening, briefly believing the world had been plunged into eternal night, then realising it was still thursday, i have been up. talking to loads of people on the net and watching the on going miglin conquest of the mario kart world. having done the easier levels she is now making the hard ones look easy. just suggested we should go and do our shopping since we are up. its america somewhere is open. beth grunted and then blew up yoshi and mario party on saturday is looking populous. the house is unfortunately not the estate i made out. hope people don't mind close contact....

On, its not the end of the world

Just woke up to find Beth painting in the kitchen. The clock read 10:15. Its pitch black. Took me a few seconds to realise I'd passed out earlier on, and its still thursday night. Phew!

Modern Dicktation 9 Memories

Ate yesterday at the Banana bean cafe on Greenlawn. Fantastic food. Used to be a strip joint, shut down for morphing into a brothel. A stripper from the old days wandered in. She loved how the club had changed, and walked around oohing and aahing at the new decor. She bent down to touch the new wool rug by the fire and someone walking past tripped,and threw a bowl of cold clam chowder in her face. Bless her heart, she didn't miss a beat. She looked up, licked her lips, smiled and said, "Aah, just like the old days."

A high kicking appocalypse now gig evening crowned with Wii medal of honour

Rockettes show. Rockettes technically excellent. The bloke playing Santa died a slow ignoble death in front of his people, The elderly, the infirm, mums with kids, his people. wow. Tears in everyones eyes at the joy of Xmas, save the blokes sitting staring at the rockettes focused and dry eyed. They were weeping however....
Onto Surly Girl to an appocalypse now gig, 16 acts? Yeah, that'll work. funny enough it did, although the comics who were doing fine and then hit their wife beating/rape material were then not funny. I went on 10th and did well, then threw it away because I couldn't be bothered. That my last line was "You'll wake up tomorrow, have a think and realise how good that gig was." gives a clue of the respect I showed. having said that, I liked the gig. sean who runs it is cool and fair, gives new acts a chance and gives wizened battle weary hacks like myself a nice little room to let off steam. also a guy went on billed as the Devil and stared at the audience for 5 minutes. I told him afterwards, "That's total bottle. " Its nearly there as an act. He is at the crossroads between the audience looking at their feet or going with him and collapsing laughing. I think he'll make the cross.
And Beth has now won every level of Mario Kart. Maybe she'll come back to me...

Helping us all get along

Dowdy's tips 4. Just shut up you tit

If you live with someone, married, flat sharing, whatever, it is human nature that sometimes the act of this person breathing in and out will make your teeth itch. Its usually over something petty and stupid, but can be used as a springboard to hurl you into an emotional abyss you were both previously unaware of.
In England Bank Holidays are particularly dangerous, your mind has way too much time to turn utter bullshit into solid fact. When you get this feeling, shut up and go and listen to your favourite tunes, read a book or watch a film (not Henry portrait of a serial kiler, classic though it is). After a few minutes you will realise that none of what you were thinking means anything, that your irritation was to do with you not the other person and the world isn't as black as you thought. And relief from argument avoidance sex is fun....

Mario Kart Scrambled

Lights! sounds! cute colours! 

The only reason you stop playing this game is when your eyes start to bleed. Is it me or is keeping the populace brain-dead, achieving worthless shite, a plan from the emperor Ming himself? Pretty volours! What war? Send Yoshi and Luigi. Their Jet Bikes and power-ups should do it......

My Day

Didn't go to auction. 1800 land laws? I want grow grapes, not travel back in time. beth and I bought candles (excellent) ate at Surly Girl, great beer and food ( harpoon winter warmer, just get one, merry Xmas), cool venue (doing there tomorrow) then onto my office. Met Jim, attorney at law next door. Nice fella, makes me want to bother going in. Picked up stuff I needed fpr my studio, then onto starbucks. Walked out with a free coffee? And met Priscilla, who is gonna bring some of her mates to the gig tomorrow. Back home. Stewart coming over, chilling in front of TV. Cool day.

smoking v longevity

My mate Neil asked me yesterday if I was still smoking. Yes I am. As i've written before, I'm 7 years ahead of when i thought I would be crippled or dead. Long term, one way or the other, MS will take me out. "Hey Si," I hear you think, "Could be hit by a bus tomorrow, you never know..." Actually, done that one. Double Decker on Southampton Row fueled by the beer of the former devil gig know as the Fulmar and Firkin. So whatever time is around, I will spend doing what I was born to do (comedy), and enjoying my family and friends as much as possible. The best anyone can hope for is that you are remembered with a smile. Besides I love smoking, i think its cool. any kids reading this, don't do it, its a very expensive certain death plan....

Whitecastle breakfast joy

picked up a bacon egg sarnie from Whitecastle this morning. Of the fast food brekkies, theirs is the best, for the expat missing the greasy spoons of London

Back up chute parachute blog....

I know now what my blogpost blog is for. I felt bad that myspace got all the posts, and blogspot got the apologies. My space got all the play because I can see how many people read it. 1500 in 2 and a half weeks and counting. Its also connected me with all the people I used it work with. Its also not fucking working this morning.....

blogspot is actually easier to use, and post across to myspace (doesn't seem to work the other way around). i just like seeing the counter go up when I post there. Its like a film. Myspace is the woman in the red dress, blogspot is the dependable mother. Nice to be back. Having tried to post twice on the other tart, here is today's precis.

Restorative yoga. Best natural high you will ever have. 3 hours of constant relaxation. thanks Gail.

2 level attuned Reiki healer. Sounds like hippy bollocks, is in fact life changing and amazing.

May bid on 44 acres of farmland in Illinois today. Beth, earth child, wants to plant a vineyard. I, dissolute wastrel, like drinking. Problem? Dry County. What is it, 1852?

Move to Chicago. Time to do the comedy as best I can. And that's it. Oh, party our house saturday. Bring booze, food, yourselves. come after 6.

Thank you spare parachute blog. Your glory is nice...

To be fair

i can't keep two blogs on the go every day. therefore this blog is gonna get a weekly precis of the crap I spray across myspace 4/5 today 9 times a day. If you want constant crap check me out on myspace, if a more considered edit of bullshit is your preference, check out blog spot once a week.

Games not to play and thought for the day

don't put your scarf on your dog for a laugh. She will look at you, twitch and take off, trailing your favourite scarf through the poop laden garden beyond.

Sunday thought. "Sometimes you have to walk through the shadow, so you can emerge, blinking, in the beauty beyond."

The Eternal Question

Burial or cremation? The answer is of course burial. Who doesn't want a shot at coming back as a zombie. cloud of Dust? Rubbish. What are you going to do, choke mankind to death?

You are being robbed

I just saw this blog hasn't been updated since thursday. Truth is, I blog all the time on my myspace blog.  Again, I will do better. On the other hand, you are the only blog to get this blog,,,,,

The MS Nod

just woken up on the couch from an MS nod coma. Its quite amazing, its like my body is an old laptop that goes from hell yeah to sleep in seconds. Like a heroin nod but way more trippy. No hallucinations tonight, but over the years I have seen shit people pay a lot of money for. Once told a neurologist that I sometimes saw people I knew were not there. They last 5 seconds and then they vanish. Am I mad? He sat back in his chair paused  and said "Everybody does that!" Really? Cool. Once you get used to it, its fun, part of the MS rollercoaster.

Currently loaded on 12hr Mucinex and Zicam nasal spray, lets see what we can see....

Behind the curtain.

I was given cause today to reflect on what sort of person I really am.

I am very personable and will go out of my way to include any one i see that is shy or has difficulty around groups. I'm lucky that I've always found it easy being around people. Its a gene fluke, great upbringing, luck really. I also realise, if you meet on a wrong day, I can appear cocky and annoying.  I usually spot this and will go out of my way to win you over. its the tart/challenge lover in me.

I truly believe it cost nothing to be nice, and if my actions can improve your day, they improve mine more than you realise.

However, if you are one of those people who can only be happy making others unhappy. The sort of shit bag who is living proof that anal sex can lead to conception, stay far away from me. I am a true bastard when I come into to contact with toxic turds such as you. World's hard enough, do us a favour, fuck off, die, alone. in the dark, whimpering.

This is the kind of attitude that led me to be a comic, as I can't hold my mouth shut long enough to build a career in the real world. Twats are twats, fuck 'em. Doesn't look too good on the resume....

Close to the edit

In the Life and Arts section of the Dispatch today they quote a new comic's joke.

"I have a friend who has a smart car. Two things. My friend is an idiot and he was recently in a fender Bender with a Tahoe and broke both his legs. He's not so smart anymore is he?"

Inspired me to edit it. the jokes in there just needs to get there quicker.

My friend bought a smart car. Crashed it into a Tahoe. 2 broken legs and an intellectually superior car that wont speak to him any more.

I don't think my version is the best this joke can be. It just fascinated me to work on it.

Flow....

I sat all of yesterday wondering whether I should post this. sitting in my new kitchen, the new paint job drying in the front room, listening to Guy Garvey's Finest hour on Radio 6 at 3 in the morning. My conclusion is it might come across a bit poncy but that's OK.

When I walked from comedy in 1999, I did so believing I would never perform again. To be honest  it broke my heart. fortunately I was going between London and Chicago dating my wife beth, so I could distract myself from what had happened. I actually did a gig in Chicago, open spot night, 24 comics, no kidding. But I still couldn't face trying to carry on. My MS had kept me from what I needed to do to take the comedy further, although being resident compere for Screaming Blue had been a god send.  The problem was travel, not gigging. I've solved that now. If you want me to work for you, you have to take me to the venue and bring me home. I was embarrased about this back in the day. Having voiced it, I've found people incredibly understanding and very cool.

When I moved to Columbus I still couldn't face going back to stand up. I did impro  classes and enjoyed working with others. The first comedy I ever did, having been taught by Spontaneous Combustion, was in rough house pubs and at the Comedy Cafe. We actually tried a Kabuki game and I heard Eugene Cheese, front right, spit into his beer and yell "What the fuck are they on about?"

Impro clubs in America are way too polite.

I then auditioned and got into As You Like It and Merry Wives Of Windsor having lied to Actor's Theatre and told them I could do a Welsh accent. I played Hugh Evans.

Then spent five years acting. I enjoyed working with other people, got to play my way through the comic cannon and learned how to work. You can't bluff Shakespeare, I tried it. What was great was bringing all the stuff I'd learned in the London Battlegrounds and using it for something different.

The MS put stop to the acting this year. I quit out of Hay Fever and playing the Porter in Macbeth(one of the roles of my list I really wanted) I felt that the theatre people couldn't trust me, how I felt when I walked in 1999. So I walked again.

This time however, I'd figured out how I could do the comedy. Put me in the room I'll do the gig.

It dawned on me I was doing it differently. All those years of acting and thinking about stand up had changed something.

Today I figured out what it is. I've achieved flow.  Flow is the moment where you don't think about storming or dying. Its not that you don't care  its just irrelevant. I feel I am where I should be, doing exactly what I always wanted, exactly how I wanted to do it.

The rush I got today when I realised what was going on was amazing. Its probably the best high I have ever had (and I did 5 gramms of intraveneous steroids) It was so over powering (prepare your kicking boots Mr Legge) that I sat and wept.

For anyone doggedly following the art their heart is in, I hope you see this day. It is life changing. 

Of course next gig I'm gonna die on me arse, but just for today, I understand what it is I was trying to achieve all these years.

Phoenix From The Arses...

This one is difficult to believe, but it did happen, exactly as detailed below.....

4 miles from the gig am told that the venue doesn't know I'm replacing Jay the headliner.

get to venue lock myself between 2 security doors. Smash myself and my thumb out.

Go bleeding to the local Subway, they're very nice, get a plaster.

Back to venue, owner told of minor change. He looks like I just took a shit in his salad.

4 gruesome minutes, with me trying to plan at least an airbag gig. Crash imminent, minimize damage.

Jay the original headliner walks in. Whew.

Re-plan gig with me going before a raffle, yes a raffle, then Patsy and Jay to end.

2 minutes before I go on to a sold out gig.  i need a pee and assume the mens will have a couple of urinals.

Walk into find a urinal next to a toilet with a chilled out hippy taking a dump.

Explain that I am on in 2 minutes and have to pee.

He says "If you're ok I'm ok."

Take a pee with the man less a yard behind me taking a shit. Manna from the comedy gods.

Go on stage open with this and storm it. Phoenix from the arses.....

This is the dawn of the gig of appocalypse

its early. its raining. Getting smashed on wine last night seemed like a good idea. shouting in the garden with Rhonda against imaginary foes at high volume such classics as which one of you cunts is first? It will cost you one eye to get into my house! Turns out my dog Abbey had been crashing through garden canes, so there was no night of the living dead attack squadron circling at all. Then drunkenly apologised to the houses around us using even higher volume and pretty much the same words, but in reverse. I don't know how we were going to give them an extra eye though.

This evening 1 and a half hour drive (too far), 9 comics (too many) and me doing an hour at the end(too much fun for one man to handle). It might be alright, or it'll be one of those gigs, the gigs that live in the memory and are discussed around pint number 5. To be honest I'm looking forward to it. As long as no one says they are going to get their knife(essex Xmas 1996) and I don't have to stand on stage watching a riot I'm pretty sure I caused (Bracknell 1997) its all gravy.

About Bracknell. I know its one of the nicest gigs ever (if its still there) and its nearly impossible to create a situation where the bracknell police come running into a room where bedlam is indeed ensuing, while the compere (my good self) is jumping into the fray mic and stand in hand yelling "you can't do that you have to leave." Difficult my friends, but take it from me, not impossible. anyone gigging with Kev McCarthy this weekend, see if he remembers. Also ask Simon Evans and Jeffrey? Toombs.

For those who don't do stand up, these kind of gigs are the best ever. Visceral, with a certain savage beauty

How long do it take to be a comedian?

This question has come up over and over in the past few weeks. Rhonda (aussie veteran comic) reckons it takes 8 years to start to understand the job properly. I think it takes 10. Bill Maher was on iconoclasts with Clive Davis said 20 years to really feel comfortable. He compared it to being a gondolier, a journeyman always seeking to find the new depths to what he is doing. 

Having been in comedy walked away for a while and come back I realised that once  its in the blood you can never leave it. The more you do, the better you get, the more you realise that there is so much more you can discover. Not to put off any one thinking about doing stand up, it will take you a year or to to get consistent laughs. If that's all you want you can get it, if you want to really try and understand what comedy is (you never will) its a life choice, that to be honest you don't actually make. When you begin to hear in funny its fantastic and a curse that you will never shake.

Is this bollocks? No, I've talked to people who act and paint and write, they all say the same thing. When you decide to follow a particular arty path its a never ending journey. When I walked from comedy and went into acting I brought the performance skills I'd learned in stand up and soaked up all I could learn from the actors. Its the same thing. Like comics the actors do whatever play they are in the best way they know how to do it right now. I think the equivalent for a comic is when you realise that a joke is never finished, its the best it can be for now.

Any comic worth their salt doesn't really care about fame or money, its a by product of what we do, although money would be nice....

here's my poncy opinion. I have always felt that all art is the same thing, the attempt to bypass the conscious  mind and engage the emotional core. There you go Dad, that money spent on education not completely wasted. This idea is of course nigh on impossible to achieve, but its a lot of fun trying.

Come in Robo-Milf, your time is up.....

Its late in the evening. Everyone knows the party was fun, but its over. We must do this again murmur the guests as they shuffle back to their lives. Hang on, who's that skonking on about how wronged she feels, about her being blamed for the party not going quite right? The one who accused everyone particularly that really popular Denzel Washington looking kid about not being in tune with the real party (boring kids down the hall that we all ignored) and pitching a hissy fit when everyone wanted to go to Barack's, not hers, for afters.

Sarah,Sarah, Sarah. Nobody's being  horrible. we are just tired of the would be prom queen of the western world, having lost, sticking about like a stubborn unflushable turd, blaming everyone else for its own sticky shitness. Get the message, get gone and stay gone. We don't love you no more, and some of us never liked you in the first place...

Just Sometimes....

Things I learned today

1 Reconnecting with all the comics used to work with is the smartest move I have made in years.

2 I'm going to sends songs and rubbish to Paul B's punkyradio

3 I'm seriously considering taking a show to Edinburgh.

4 I'm going in with a producer mate of mine to write and voice a cartoon and write for horror films.

5 Connected to number 4.  Spliff is to Blunt as Weekend away is to 2 weeks in Hawaii

6 My mate Stewart makes the best Death by Chocolate ever.

7 Quite sleepy, time to dream of flowers and dragons...(see 4, 5 and 6)

Blog every day?

I know if you read the dates of the posts, it would appear I did not blog yesterday, despite insisting I was going to blog every day. Well. actually I did blog on the one I have on myspace where I am contacting all the english comics I used to work with. 

Oh great I hear you say, so we don't matter then. We get cast aside like a like a friday night spite shag, cast coffee-less into the bright searing truth of a lovely saturday morning. Destined to take the walk of shame. Destined to sit on a bus surrounded by the deafening silent judgement of the ricket-riven old, journeying to a coffee shop they don't like, to talk with someone they have hated since they were at primary school together. Cheers...

Hey its not you, its me..... I'll try to keep up.

But that was 23 years ago....

This evening saw Tom Wilson at the Funnybone, Biff from the Back to the Future films. he was excellent, as was his opener Jim Short. Rick Tempesta was the MC and was a really good warm up. One thing about the Funnybone, don't buy a ticket if you are not 100 percent sure your guest is coming.  You will be nickle and dimed , lose the money for the tickets that you didn't use and leave with a faint air of disappointment in the cheap twat -house way you just got treated. However the show was fantastic, 3 really good acts and a nice room to watch them in.  Only pay them when you have to and you will have a very good time....

Brave New World

If Obama can descend and put the world back on an even keel, the least I can do is me blog. 

So last night did a gig at the harvest  moon cafe in Canal Winchester, amusing because the start of its anagram is anal cist..... Cool gig half an hour squeaky clean. I'm really getting into reducing swearing on stage. I think its funnier. I never swore for effect before, that just happens be how I talk. There were kids at this gig. Gave them the brown chicken brown cow gag,(cheers Leslie) "Put that in your pocket son. Monday. School. Winner." Found out afterwards that every kid in every school across America knows the joke, which means I came across like a geography teacher trying to be hip....

The  harvest Moon also has one of the best turkey wraps I have ever tasted. Worth doing the gig again just to get that.

And a guy played a war game on his computer the whole time the gig was on. I of course didn't call attention to it. Well he didn't attack me afterwards, so I think we can call it even.

Back again..

So did I mention I'm rubbish at keeping up with my blog. I should of known really I've always bought diaries and kept them up until march. the n I usually come back to them in august and don't go back to them as the reams of blank pages are too embarrassing. however the blog just sit without loads of blank space so going back is alright. So what's happened since the Magoo licence?

Well I just went on holiday by accident. I remember our neighbour Fran came over with a giant bottle of wine. Drank that moved on to BUD E, beer and ginseng hmmm.. Three in the morning Beth and i decided we were going on holiday. Three fifteen booked it. Seven thirty in the morning staggered through the airport trying to look sober. Seven thirty one pulled for a special security check. took off my shoes realised no socks, little murmur of cheesey feet not appreciated. looked across the airport at Beth who was willing me to say nothing. I said nothing but was less than a second away from waving my arms and hooting like an owl when asked to put my arms up.

On the plane Chicago, miami,curacao. By the time we got to the island I was cruising into a hangover and didn't know where I was. took me 2 days to realise I was not in curry cuckoo and thats why I was getting odd/slightly aggressive looks. "Its great to be here on your lovely island Curry Cuckoo" Not as popular statement as you would hope.

curacao is in the Dutch Antilles and they do take the sunbeds at 600 hours. Very relaxed and quiet, like holidaying in the calm aftermath of a bit of a row.

curacao is beautiful. If you go, hire a car or remortgage your house so you can cab around the island.

We went snorkelling. Beth is really good at it, gliding along and enjoying the fish and the coral. I was that bloke, spluttering and half drowning, coughing and  blowing water out of my airpipe., like a spasming sealion.

I was so bad that when we were dropped above a shipwreck I didn't know until we got back. apparently it was great.

Lovely holiday, I think we need more of it. Of course it depends how good Chase's credit card division's sense of humour is.

The Magoo license

One of the fascinating things with MS is that it can effect any part of the body at any time. It will be weird or frightening and there is nothing you can do except ride it out and hope for the best. 

The most recent thing among a lot of weirdness (no memory, a sense of living in a bizzare ill bubble all year) is eyesight which is there, but is a little odd. The thing I know for sure is that it makes renewing your driving licence in America, where you have to do an eye test in this mini  military machine thingy at the counter very interesting. 

if you don't renew your licence every 4 years you lose it and have to take the driving test again. After seeing my optometrist and some fancy footwork at the counter I now have the Magoo licence, which is daylight only driving. hopefully my eyes will readjust in the next few months so I can drive in the fthe months of winter darkness. 

I asked the bloke who gave it to me what's daylight driving?

He didn't know so I figure if you drive in the dark and get pulled over just chuck on a pair of sun glasses and claim that you thought it was day. As I say the Mr Magoo licence.....

hillary are you done?

I like hillary clinton. i like the way she has kind of nearly almost accepted her fate in a way which is terrifying for the people who beat her. Its like yeah I'm beat   ish. give me what I want or else. I

i want her attitude for the bank,.

"Well mr dowd you are over drawn."

"simon please lets keep this nice and easy."

"Mr Dowd you are quite heavily over drawn."

"hows that subprime market going Stan?"

"The what...oh.."

"As I said stan lets keep it nice and easy. You let my thousand dollars or so slide and we'll let your hundreds of billions evaporate like a bad dream....."

Pause release

So hello

It has been a while since i emptied my head on this blog. Can I start by saying multiple sclerosis is shit. breaking 2 computers 1 car most of a house and losing everything constantly is shit. Quitting out of 2 plays the second quit being the end of acting on stage is shit. sitting in me office not so bad. The air is ok the car is fixed. If I could figure out what to do perfect.

The Reason I Was Fired As Head Boy

Years ago, at my middle school St Martin De Porres, I scored very well on the IQ tests they gave us. Why 10 year old kids were doing IQ tests is a mystery to me to this day. My rewards were an offer to go to the private school in St Albans, no girls, the cane, no thanks, and the position of Head Boy chief of all the prefects.

 I lasted a week before being fired with the promise that I would be expelled if I was involved in any fights at all in the future. Unbelievably, this was a mistake and I was blamed for something I not only had nothing to do with, but was trying to stop.

The 3 versus 4th year fight had been talked about all year. The 4th years were hard and being a 3rd year I thought the fight was not going to go well. I couldn't even leave quick. I took a cab to school and there was no guarantee it was going to be on time. My solution was to shunt the third year boys into my mate jon farrell's garden so we could hide until the marauding hoard got bored and left bloodless.

What got to the head master was that I was the fight planner and I was fired as chief swot and threatened with expulsion. Wanker.

In fairness, saying that I booed Cinderella onstage at primary school and getting fired as an altar boy for laughing is fair enough. I don't mind taking the blame for stuff I have done, its ignorant twats that make shit up that gets on my nerves.

Subprime living

At the moment there seems to be a competition for which pack of lies we based our lives on can fall apart the fastest. As ever, organized religion looks like it might weather the storm, which ironically enough proves to me if there is a God, he/she hasn't taken any readings on the celestial bullshitometer recently.

Living in a Dean Koontz novel

Its snowing. really snowing. Blizzard. It looks like a setting for one of Dean koontz's novels where the hero is a damaged man who meets a girl and is saved by a v intelligent dog. I have a very intelligent dog. I'm doomed until the last chapter.

I've learned that stage acting and MS do not mix. If I can't move, have no balance and have  memory like a spasming etch-a-sketch it doesn't work. Took me 5 and a half years to work this out. that's pretty good for me. In a whiteout world I'm actually seeing pretty clearly. Thinking not so good: and I have a feeling my dog's intelligence doesn't lie in the field of neurology. 

C'est La Vie, looks like stand up and writing are the next route. Which is good news if you like reading the blog because now I will have the time and energy to write it.

The Fulmar and Firkin, a dark comic tale.

Recently on Dear Dowdy I was asked if it was true I once compered a gig with blood streaming out of my nose. This is absolutely true. I sent an audience member to get me some tissue shoved it up my nose and carried on. This tale is only one of many provided by the hells-mouth gig that was the Fulmar and Firkin.

The gig was a free gig on a saturday. When the gig is free the audience has no investment in the show. When it works it is a thing of beauty. When the audience doesn't appreciate you disturbing their drinking, the free gig is a battle to the end. To be honest bad free gigs are a fantastic training ground, they armour the comic to be able to deal with anything. They get boring after a while, but its always good to go back and deal with a room full of drunks who don't give a toss, every now and again.

What made the venue evil? Well you could do unbelievably well there, lulling you into a relaxed state. Then odd shit would happen. A comic I knew was attacked by a woman outside the venue with a pair of scissors. Nosebleed aside, the gig nearly killed me twice. Once I was watching some friends of mine The Cosmic Tambourine's perform, got drunk on 9% beer and then got knocked down by a double-decker bus outside the venue. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I was so drunk I didn't even see it coning. For the litigious among you, the fact that your new glasses did not save you cannot used as a reason that the optician should replace your glasses for free. I actually tried this technique.

On the day of  Princess Diana's funeral I didn't even make it to the venue. The car I was in got wiped out and I ended up strapped to a guerney doing a bizzare Diana tribute in a neck collar at the same hospital I went to after the bus crash. It was here I learned you can pee while lying on your back, it just doesn't go very well. I also learned if you are going to attempt the recumbent pee, its best to wear a black t-shirt. The police asked me if I wanted anyone called, i said yes could you tell the Fulmar and Firkin I'm not coming. My replacement went on and said I was dead.

Did the gig cause this? Honestly? Maybe. I do know having failed to actually kill any comics, although we did get a heckler on stage, made him strip, and then flushed his clothes down the loo, the pub ceased to exist. Last time I looked it was empty a shell awaiting new victims.

Don't get me wrong I loved the Firkin it was one of the most fun gigs on the circuit while it existed. I just have the feeling it might of been built on a dodgy ley-line or the site of the grave of a spirit who had had a couple of centuries to get really pissed off.

So, here's to you Fulmar and Firkin, the most fun dangerous pub I ever played.

Sitting in me office....

Just come from a very nice lunch  with a good mate of mine Joe. Nearly went home as it is crappy cold today. the sort of cold that makes me super english, walking around wrinkling my nose muttering, "Oh for god's sake!" those among you who object to the fact I didn't capitalise the g in god, to be honest I don't think she minds.

Learning posh english (RP) for my role in Noel Coward's Hayfever. We have another dialect class on sunday which is room of American's trying to learn the dialect and me trying to unlearn every bad habit (legion) that I have accrued over the years.

My companies are now LLC'ed up. This is great but much like getting a part after an audition it is a moment of elation swiftly followed by an oh shit now I actually have to do it moment.

The song on my website is being done as a single. I cannot wait to see what trouble that causes. Oh yeah I'm doing a half hour show on the 19th feb. All jokes gratefully received.....

Massive coincidence is....

Going to the Wendy's drive through after the Word of Advice incident below to get a frosty, and finding myself in the queue behind the cops I'd chatted to earlier.

A Word of Advice

If you find yourself drunk off your ass, shirtless, preparing to win a bet by heroically dashing into the cold abyss outside the pub, and then the police turn up; don't start telling them stories. If your commonsense is taking a well deserved break at lager beach, make sure you have a brit on hand to whack up the maximum english, for example chatting  to one of the cop's wives on the phone, to ensure a fun and happy resolution.

However, i have a horrible feeling the footage from the cop car camera is going to end up on an episode of COPS entitled "Sometimes it ends o.k."

Ipod as music seer

as anyone who has one knows, the ipod's shuffle selections can be inspired. Today I went from Public Enemy's Louder than a Bomb to The Pogues Rainy Night in Soho. After a couple of seconds I found this odd mesh really appealing. Also, I remembered that Rainy Night in Soho is a slice of beauty for anyone who has ever lived in London. The song evokes the amazing walk that occurs in the warm rain at night in the middle of town. No matter how bad my day was, that stroll made everything seem alright.

Monday, I'm still in monday

 I last blogged friday. Unlike every other diary I ever started, I have come back. If it were like the other diaries   I would be reading the madagascar post sometime in september, muttering, "This was fun, I wish I'd kept it up.  A blog about being crap at blogging? Nice.

The Madagascar Giant Palm, a modern Aesop's Fable

There is a palm tree in Madagascar so huge it can be seen in satellite photos.  Its 20m high and its leaves are 5m long. It  took years to flower expending  so much energy that it collapsed and died.  As Aesop would have said, "Men, be content with your length and girth. The last thing you need is a gigantic piston which drains the blood from your brain, then erupts like a volcano, only to hang like a limp wet rope on your leg for the rest of your years." Is this a be careful what you wish for fable? Or was Aesop hung like a gerbil?

A Gig in a proper club...

last night I did the Funnybone out in Easton in columbus. I'd avoided doing it because I had a cob on about corporate gigs. The funnybone reminded me of the chicken in a bastard circuit back home. I say reminded, I just didn't bother checking it out. Go there last night, great gig. Really cool setup, and very supportive of new comics in a way I never saw back in England. I mean back in London we were all mates, but the fall was as much fun to watch as the rise. I sat there at one point and thought "wow the bloke running it, Rick, is really helping these new acts out, and they all want each other to do well. Am I in Brigadoon?"

No major deaths, except for a woman who I thought was doing a drunk act. She was in fact pissed as arseholes and led the room down into an ever growing abyss,which culminated in her talking about living alone with her cats. Very rarely do you see a whole room of people nodding their heads sagely, all mouthing, "I knew. I knew that."

My gig went well. I over ran my time (5 minutes) by about a minute and a half. I haven't done a 5 minute gig in years. Its a completely different discipline. It usually takes me 5 minutes to say hello. I spent most of my time messing about with the crowd, then remembered I was supposed to tell jokes. Got some in. We recorded it, you can check it out on the web page once I've tried and failed to get it on, and then sat back while Beth does it in 10 seconds.

American audiences are a lot less aggressive than English audiences. I got my training in the London "Get off you're shit! " battlegrounds. Watching the audience watch the acts last night, I saw, amazed, that they were willing them to do well. Even when cat woman did her pissed pied piper to comedy hell, they just sat politely and waited for her spasms to pass. I am in Brigadoon.

So in order to stop tossing about when I go back in 2 weeks to the funnybone I'm doing themes and trying to stick to them. The first one is winter wonderland. Come along, enjoy the evening, make sure I get on (I need 5 people saying they are there for me), and run a sweepstake to see how long it takes me to come off script. Last night it was instantly.

Something simple

While I was in London last october I was sitting with my old friend Kirsten and my mum in a bar down the road from my dad's flat in Covent Garden. Kirsten was in London working at the RNIB (royal national institute for the blind), I was in London as I'd had a MS episode and couldn't fly back to America. Actually it worked out well as Kirsten and I went to see the Macbeth that was on. I think its transfered to New York now. If you get the chance, see it, its the best Shakespeare production I've ever seen. Scary as fuck start to finish.

On the night in question me and me mum were going out for something to eat. I asked her

"What would you like to eat?"

"I don't know Si, something simple."

I then said

"You're in luck there's a slow kid with a hot dog stand at the end of the road."

Mum said she couldn't believe I'd said that. I tried to explain that I wasn't being horrible, that I actually felt the lad had done really well for himself. Of course the kid in question doesn't exist and I have no idea where that statement came from.

Yoga monday

So I'm blogging early tuesday morning, Snakes on a Plane rattling away on HBO in the background. This film is like The Chronicles of Riddick in that I know rationally its shit, but if its on, I sit and watch it. There's loads of films like that, rubbish but compelling. Like going out with someone who you know is crap but for some reason (usually sex) you stay in there. I'm not saying crap films work on a primal sex level, or am I? When I first moved to America Miss congeniality was on HBO about 10 times a day. I think I watched it every time....

 Monday was MS Yoga day. If you don't know me, I've had MS for about 16 years. Yoga is the single best thing I ever did for it. I saw my neurologist (people who train for years to charge top money to look you confidently in the eye and state "haven't got a clue whats going on mate. Good luck.") in London and he said that I was doing better than most anybody he'd ever seen who'd had MS as long as I have. I then said, but my health regime has been smoking,drinking and fucking. He said, "well you'll probably die of the smoking then...."

The Wii party....

Sunday afternoon. Sit and watch a game. Eat rubbish and look forward to the dentist fixing my chocolate ravaged left hand side teeth in february. (did the right a couple of weeks ago. 4 in one go. Great job but a bit like picking a fight I shouldn't have). The dentist always gives advice about being careful about what I eat. Decay is lurking. One life to live my friend. You keep fixing them, I'll keep eating the sweets.

Anyway the Wii party. If you haven't done it yet, do! I spent from 2 until 4 with a permanent grin trying to pretend I was of a generation that understood how to play. Word of advice , don't play a ten year old  girl at the boxing. They are lethal and have no conscience. Your ego will be delivered to you in a small box marked old.

 The party was at Beth's bosses' house. Great food and an afternoon meeting people I really liked. I asked her "Why haven't I met these people before? They're exactly the sort of people I like to be around." Maybe she was saving them as a treat.

When the price comes down get one. And if anyone at nintendo is reading this. free advertising man, send me a wii and a few games, happy days all round.

religion

When someone who pushes their faith at you begins talking about money, exhort them in your finest biblical fashion, to go forth and multiply.

The thing about....

The thing about a macaroon is that it sounds racist but it tastes great. This is not true of Rush Limbaugh.

Good Lord

So I decided if I'm going to blog, it may as well be interesting and uncensored. Ten minutes ago I got hit with a wave of the stealth shits. You think a fart will roll through gently like wind in a meadow on an early spring morning and then realise with micro-seconds to go that, like golf , sometimes the follow through is all. Now sitting writing letting immodium work its magic. Like advil, immodium does what it says on the tin. Most drugs are nearly helpful and possibly deadly. You can use our diet pill, but beware anal seepage?!! Give me another pie and chuck that crap in the bin (garbage). Can a drug dance to its own tune? If it can, immodium and advil are old hippies dancing around the lilac tree, whilst the diet pills stand embarrassed, pop tunes clanking, leaking into the canal.

check one two

Check one, two! Just testing me brand shiny new blog.