What if.

What if

At the age of 21 you were told that your life as you knew it was over. It was an explanation of all the awful unexplainable things that had been going in for the last few years. It now had a name ,multiple sclerosis. Then you discovered it was not immediately lethal, but that life was never going to be normal.  That unless you were limping, unable to walk, or displaying the outward signs of what was going on,  that no one could see what was happening. Sometimes they would question you, about why you are not doing things. Sometimes you would feel the weight of their ignorance bearing down, and you would tell them to go fuck themselves.

You would try to appear as normal as you can, putting most of your energy into spreading a cloak, and hiding the truth that you know you are living in. This would work for a while, but it could not last for ever. The realization will dawn, that you cannot recover, that things will only get worse, and that you will have to deal with it as best you can. The hardest thing to deal with is stopping the good that you did for yourself, and you are the only one who can call it.

What to do?

You can live in the awful if you like, few will call you on it. You can avoid everything, and feel harassed and pursued, when the real world comes calling, and really wants you to join in. That no one can understand  what living with the end of your life staring at you every day is like.

Then, realize you are wasting your time, and enjoy what you can.

Friday.

MS is always easier to deal with mentally when its at its most frightening. When my walking collapses, when all energy is gone, with no sign that that it will ever recover, things are awful, but clear. Of course I can't do anything, everything is in free fall. At the moment i'm in the most difficult bit, where my health has kind of recovered, but some things did not, and I have to change everything again.

Last night I decided to see what was left, and walked from my house to an improv session about half a mile away. I got there and did the session for two hours. It was the first performing I think I've done this year. It was a lot of fun, I've always loved doing improv, though I know that its doubtful I would go on stage to do it again. Theres the issue, doubtful. Thats the mental bit. l know how to perform. I don't have the health to do it as I want to, and its a waste of time worrying about it.

That walk from my house to the session is the furthest I've been able to walk for years. Thats good right? And we joined a gym. Proper grubby armpit. All the machines, not too nice. I don't need to be told how amazing everything is. I don't care how gluten free your cafeteria is.  Do the machines work? That'll be fine. Its 24 hour? Perfect.