Truth.

The only reason I'm any good at what I do is that, I've fucked it up as badly as you can think of. More than once. Some fuck ups I made up myself. It is, however, the only way to learn. Can't wait for the next one. i could do with learning some thing new.

MS Work

Multiple Sclerosis is a life spent putting doors into jet black, looming walls of despair, then limping though to the light beyond. In the end its 100% attitude. Doesn't always work, I've spent months at a time in the valley of can't. Then I say, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway." Not a life I'd recommend, or wish on my worst enemy, but there is a lot of fun to be had there, you just have to want it badly enough.

oo-er

Michele Bachmann's run for the president is like watching The Fog. You keep expecting something to run screaming from a closet. Her husband. for a start.

Murdoch

If irony is our leader, Murdoch dies of a hacking cough.

Rules

As a trained comic, I have very specific rules I have to follow. The main one is to never let go at anyone who I care about who has hurt my feelings. This is because if I l give my mind, and mouth free reign, with no regret or guilt about what's coming, I will tear the person I care about to shreds. I learned how to do it when I was a kid. At school I figured out how to trapdoor a conversation, so that when the 5th line was hit, and the person who annoyed me became comfortable, I'd open the trapdoor and let them hang.

Words are power. I have frightening control over the awful. I'd much rather be nice.

Reality

i'm loved working in Romeo and Juliet. I got to work with exactly who I wanted, and watch something truly special build. Last night tonight, which is probably the last time i'll ever do outdoor Shakespeare. The physical cost is too high. Its a very MS'y thing, just as I feel I've begun to understand, and do well at something, the bell tolls, and I know I have to go.

This time I have a lot of other things lined up, not so physically taxing, that I can learn. I walked from playing when I lost feeling my hands, and became a comic. When I had to walk from comedy, I hid in shakespeare. Now I have to leave the Bard, who taught me an awful lot. My hands now work, and I'm ready to run shows I've wirtten. Teaching too, and voice over work. Lets see how that goes.

Oh

Does it bother anyone, that its 2011, and we've decided to retire from space? Never did get our jetpacks, or our electric cars. Did give the cunts all the money, and go broke.

Book of Dowd stuff

People of skill, who work hard, have a tendency to be fucked over by those of little to no skill, who's only work is making themselves look good.


Winning comes, when you've lost enough times, and know better.

Liar Liar

 Your eyes, bleed lies 

Your face, leaks pies 

You're a big, fat, liar, liar

liar, liar, liar, liar 

and you know you are.


Where's the money I lent you? 
Let me guess,you forgot.
So absent minded
I'ts cost me quite a lot.


What happened to the table?
It didn't break itself
Like the ghost and the mouse
That destroyed the house
spraying plates off the shelf.

Your magazines are very obscene

 A little too much

 If you know what I mean

You say there not yours

And you found them there

 but that's your ginger, pubic hair.

 Falling as a crux to a tragic tale

Take a deep breath

You are going to jail

Flash Mob at Cape Cod Stop and Shop

4th of Ju-die

You cannot legally buy fireworks in Ohio or Illinois. You can in indiana. On the border between Ohio and Indiana, and Indiana and Illinois, stand two huge firework warehouses, Shelton Fireworks, stuffed to the brim with highly explosive fun. You buy your fireworks there, and hope you don't get pulled by the police as you drive into the state of your choice.

Beth and I decided we'd pick some up yesterday, to take ut to Leslie's farm for some 4th of july fun. I honestly thought it would be a couple of oohs and aahs, nothing heavy. The clue should have been the biker gangs loading up from the warehouse. Second clue, they come in large boxes. You set light to the whole box, and clear. If you've done it, you know what comes next, bright light apocalypse. Unbelievable, its a full blown professional show in a box. We bought 5 of them. Ian walked around with the kids lighting these things. We sat in chairs oohing and aahing and laughing.

Then one of them fell sideways.

It paused briefly, set, and came straight at us. Screaming adults, moved faster than they expected, hiding behind the cars. Mindy's voice went up, "Where are the kids???!!! Kid's had sensibly cleared from the path. We all laughed really hard, and went on setting the more powerful fireworks, ending on one called the Finale. Good god. wow.

Then the kid's lit up and ton of sparklers, and did a Pagan war dance. The difference between England and America? English mums would say, "Be careful, they are very hot!" American's "Spin! Spin! While singing the theme from Dambusters."

I haven't laughed so hard, or been so briefly terrified, ever. Proper USA display, finishing with the immortal line:

"Well, nobody's dead. Cool show!"

I love the midwest.

Bully karma - Lyrics

Here you come 

With your beer and your belly

Yelling all the lines

You learned off telly

When you were younger

King of the school

Try that now

You'll look like a fool

Cos, I don't give a fuck

Who you think you are

Now I know exactly what you are

Low self esteem

And a fucking bad attitude

A toxic, noxious, gurgling, useless

Dripping, jam rag, piece of shit!!!

In your mum's basement

All alone

No friends left

And a silent phone

All that's left is a lonely death

Strap yourself in

And take your last breath.

Cos, I don't give a fuck,,,,,,,,,,

fireberks

Brown Bag. Full of out of towners here for Red White and Boom, a fireworks display which shows to a million plus, downtown. Its a fucking sandwich! Order, and fuck off, you're making my teeth itch! Enjoy the shiny lights. No, its not the rapture...

Solution

For the repressed right wing, who hate themselves, and make life difficult for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Get the cock you've been dreaming of down you, and shut the fuck up. We'll all feel better, and you get to cum. Win, win.