The Fulmar and Firkin, a dark comic tale.

Recently on Dear Dowdy I was asked if it was true I once compered a gig with blood streaming out of my nose. This is absolutely true. I sent an audience member to get me some tissue shoved it up my nose and carried on. This tale is only one of many provided by the hells-mouth gig that was the Fulmar and Firkin.

The gig was a free gig on a saturday. When the gig is free the audience has no investment in the show. When it works it is a thing of beauty. When the audience doesn't appreciate you disturbing their drinking, the free gig is a battle to the end. To be honest bad free gigs are a fantastic training ground, they armour the comic to be able to deal with anything. They get boring after a while, but its always good to go back and deal with a room full of drunks who don't give a toss, every now and again.

What made the venue evil? Well you could do unbelievably well there, lulling you into a relaxed state. Then odd shit would happen. A comic I knew was attacked by a woman outside the venue with a pair of scissors. Nosebleed aside, the gig nearly killed me twice. Once I was watching some friends of mine The Cosmic Tambourine's perform, got drunk on 9% beer and then got knocked down by a double-decker bus outside the venue. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I was so drunk I didn't even see it coning. For the litigious among you, the fact that your new glasses did not save you cannot used as a reason that the optician should replace your glasses for free. I actually tried this technique.

On the day of  Princess Diana's funeral I didn't even make it to the venue. The car I was in got wiped out and I ended up strapped to a guerney doing a bizzare Diana tribute in a neck collar at the same hospital I went to after the bus crash. It was here I learned you can pee while lying on your back, it just doesn't go very well. I also learned if you are going to attempt the recumbent pee, its best to wear a black t-shirt. The police asked me if I wanted anyone called, i said yes could you tell the Fulmar and Firkin I'm not coming. My replacement went on and said I was dead.

Did the gig cause this? Honestly? Maybe. I do know having failed to actually kill any comics, although we did get a heckler on stage, made him strip, and then flushed his clothes down the loo, the pub ceased to exist. Last time I looked it was empty a shell awaiting new victims.

Don't get me wrong I loved the Firkin it was one of the most fun gigs on the circuit while it existed. I just have the feeling it might of been built on a dodgy ley-line or the site of the grave of a spirit who had had a couple of centuries to get really pissed off.

So, here's to you Fulmar and Firkin, the most fun dangerous pub I ever played.

Sitting in me office....

Just come from a very nice lunch  with a good mate of mine Joe. Nearly went home as it is crappy cold today. the sort of cold that makes me super english, walking around wrinkling my nose muttering, "Oh for god's sake!" those among you who object to the fact I didn't capitalise the g in god, to be honest I don't think she minds.

Learning posh english (RP) for my role in Noel Coward's Hayfever. We have another dialect class on sunday which is room of American's trying to learn the dialect and me trying to unlearn every bad habit (legion) that I have accrued over the years.

My companies are now LLC'ed up. This is great but much like getting a part after an audition it is a moment of elation swiftly followed by an oh shit now I actually have to do it moment.

The song on my website is being done as a single. I cannot wait to see what trouble that causes. Oh yeah I'm doing a half hour show on the 19th feb. All jokes gratefully received.....