Selling the loss.

Last night I went to an improv drop in, where students, improvisers from different teams, anyone who is interested into improvisation, come together. We were assigned different teams and spent a couple of hours playing different games. It was the first time I'd been on stage for more than two years. I was a little shaky, my fault as i was recovering from the mimosas of the afternoon. Joe Teeters, who organized the night gave me his arm to lean on, to make sure i made the stage without tanking it.
Once there I remembered just how much I love doing improv and had a total hoot. Improv freaks some performers out, they think they have to be immediately hilarious and turn themselves inside out, aiming for the perfect laugh. Thats not how it works. Improv works when everyone ditches ego, plays for who they're with on stage with and trusts something is coming, looking for a way out.
. I settled into last night by royally screwing up the first game I was given to run. It got funnier as I flannelled my way through, digging my way out.
 I knew I could do stand up when I learned how to sell the loss. I knew I could get the laugh if the joke worked, and if it fell to dust in front of me. Thats why i love improv so much. I know the rules, and play the truth as best I see it. If it goes sideways? I commit, and play that. Cheers Joe, I really needed that.

Sleepless

Tonight, like last night, is not sleep filled. The return of the King is plodding its way to Frodo's victory on the telly. I still have trouble with the dire crappy, clappy, meaningful looky, bed bouncing bit, but its a really good film. I watched Wisconsin v Arizona earlier on. Superb game, made even better by the fact that I bet Wisconsin to win the title.
I then spent the past few hours watching music documentaries online. I watched the Captain Beefheart documentary, which wetted my appetite for the Syd Barrett documentary i found. I'm currently listening to a Joy Division concert in Amsterdam 1980. Its on the blog, as I discovered I could post stuff from youtube. Late, but you will get to see the gigs I find, that I really like.
Too early for coffee? Well its way too late for the snow over the cars out the front, yet its there.
 The house got freaky a couple of hours ago when I heard noises. Under the floor, in the walls, in the rooms upstairs? I couldn't tell. I grabbed a cane and walked the house, ready to, I teach whatever it was how to walk….?  Didn't find anything, and the noise stopped. Coffee.
Actually, no coffee and some much needed sleep. Win.

Joy Division - Live in Amsterdam 1980

I Wrote For Luck

The coffee night rolls on, with no sign of ending. I listened to a few of Richard Herring's Leicester Square podcasts. The last one was with Alexi Sayle, excellent. I love hearing comics talking about the mechanics and the reality of what they do. I've been through the MS snit of' "I can fucking do that!' and I now enjoy examining how the job is done, despite the fact that it is unlikely I will ever do it again. Bollocks. If I get the chance, I'm definitely going to do it.
 The one I know is over, is acting. I cannot physically trust myself to do what is needed. I'm not even that upset, I knew it was something that would come to an end, and I enjoyed it while I could.
I'm just beginning to realize that living under the threat of certain death, I read the warning for Tysabri again, is actually quite freeing. I'm beginning to put myself back in some sort of physical order, turns out exercising is really good. I'm late to that party, and I've only bought a bag of crisps, not a potluck. I'm still happy to be here, and I'll enjoy all the other food people bought with them, with no guilt whatsoever.
I'm lucky, I always find something else to do, and I've built a skill set that I can move around. To do what exactly? No idea, but it'll turn up.

Coffee Error.

Earlier last night, I wrote to Stewart, who I was supposed to meet and told him, "Fade is imminent, bed I think." That's the last thing I remember, until I woke up on the couch at 11:45. I presumed I'd slept through until morning, and drank a couple of cups of coffee. Bugger me am I awake!
The Kentucky/Louisvillle game was on. I had Louisville in my brackets. I say had, as they got robbed at the death. A fantastic game, though my reputation as a betting genius is just about done. Come on Wisconsin!
I read that Nicolas Cage has a religious film coming out in October, Left Behind. Clearly the producers have never seen Bad Lieutenant Port Of Call New Orleans. A fantastic film, but I think he would have been left behind. "Till the break of dawn!" top line, but not what Jesus would do.

Summary.

I'm up, having drunk a couple of cups of coffee I made at 12:30am. I knew that sleep was not coming, so I started looking for something to watch,  John Leguizamo has a new one man show on HBO which is excellent.  I really like the relentless honesty of his shows, no matter the cost. So, here are a few things about me that are true.
When i was diagnosed with MS I figured I had until I was 30 at best, that I would be crippled and checked out, sometime before then.
 I kept doing stand up, figuring I may as well go out on a burn. The fear which all stand ups have before performing was gone, replaced by the fear that I wouldn't be able to walk on stage, or stand there. Once I got behind the mic, I had a whale of a time and everything went well.
I paid for every performance with a day in bed and I didn't care. As things began to take off, I realized that I couldn't do the amount of work that was necessary for me to get to where I wanted. I didn't care for the longest time, I was doing really well, whilst only being able to do half the gigs I should. I was drinking heavily whilst doing this, out on a burn tight?
The drinking was the reason I got knocked down by a double decker bus. After my eye was stitched up, I took the two friends who had come to the hospital with me to a kebab house. I don't know who was more horrified, them, or the guys behind the counter.
It was at this time Beth and I went out for a drink, which became a date, which ended up with us being married and living in America. This was the thing which dragged me back from the precipice. I was mentally checking out before I met Beth, I figured I was done, it was only a matter of time. I still thought my time was limited, but it  was amazing.
I knew comedy was done when I quit out of Screaming Blue Murder's Edinburgh show. I wanted it so badly, and I knew I could not physically do it.  I quit comedy entirely, and drank my way through, until I could bail for America.
I ended up in Columbus with no clue where I was, and no idea of what to do. I saw an Improv class, thought I've done improv over the years, and went. It was great and I began meeting people and performing again.
I then saw an advert in the Dispatch for Shakespeare in the park. I didn't know how the hell you did that, so I decided to audition. I got two plays, and said something to the person who rang to give me the good  news I would never say again. "Well, they're your plays.."
I then spent my time acting, which I really enjoyed. Then things began to collapse, and I couldn't trust that I could even walk across a stage. so I quit. Just as well i did, as things got so bad I had to relearn how to walk, twice.
Having never taken any drugs for my MS I was presented with a choice, a potentially lethal monthly infusion, or a wheelchair. I should have checked out years ago, so I figured, infusion it is.
It works really well. My walking is a lot better.
What next? I am going to keep on taking my monthly risk and keep walking. I have a fitbit, and I'm up to three miles a day. Then……dunno, I'm sure something will come up.

Learning Limited

Universities in England are now shops, selling the idea you may be clever or rich enough to go through. I know that America has always been like this. Its why Europeans always looked at your education system with a " Ah….bless!' take. We saw you could buy yourself a sort of education, though most of the money seemed to be going on stadiums and stuff, not learning.

 England gave you education if you wanted it a didn't bankrupt you. It was a bit grubby, didn't have the facilities, but the education came first. That is now over. When you charge for education it becomes a product you buy, and nothing else. This isn't to say you will not learn anything, you will just never feel comfortable, or get out from under the debt it saddled you with.

Burger Karma

Maybe the idiot who beeped us at the drive thru last night was sending a message. "Don't do it Si, your body will hate you for it!"
 He/She was right. This morning my body decided that it really didn't like the burger apocalypse of the night before, and like party guests who you didn't invite, and stayed too long, it was time for them to leave. Now. On the plus side I think I lost a few pounds, on the negative, I feel like I waged war on myself this morning.

Reflex Response.

We were in the drive thru. They'd fucked something up, but were sorting it out. Someone leant on his horn behind us. My reflex response?
"Fuck off you fucking sad act cunt. I hope your food gives you massive heartburn, and you end the night shivering and weeping on your bathroom floor, praying for death. You could call your girlfriend, but she's busy, fucking your brother." Too much?

Fool Pollution.

We live in a connected world. Everyone wants to be connected, at all times. Isn’t that great? No, it is not. What it means, is that the voices of those who you duck and cover to avoid, are now everywhere, spraying their ignorant, misinformed crap all over the words you love. I have seen the word better reduced to meaning nothing at all, to doubt that blessed ever really meant anything, that friends could make anyone feel that lucky all the time, particularly if you don’t really know them.

We live in a time where access to shouting is way too easy. Wasn’t it always that way? It was, but we used to be able to ignore cry of the closed mind, without getting RSI deleting it.

Dog Dream Warrior.

i was asleep, mired in a dream where an odd groaning, wheezing sound bled into everything. I woke up, the sound was still there squeeze boxing its way around the room. My eyes began to adjust to the dark asI looked for the sound. It was coming from Abbey, who had been patiently bleating her way into my subconscious until she woke the human who could facilitate her exit to the garden. She figured, breath of fresh air, food to follow. She was right.
We then play the game where she hides her toy and waits patiently for me to figure out where she put it, so I can throw it for her and she can charge back down the garden. This happens every morning. Pavlov bollocks, dog victorious.

Brackets.

I am up,  breakfast and and a mile and a bit walked already. Brackets done.
 The brackets are for March madness, the time of year when 64 college basketball teams get thrown to the wolves, until only one remains. I've been doing the brackets for a few years now, I usually do ok, coming in2nd or 3rd. Like all the years I've done it, I've just looked over my picks, convinced I am scoring nothing this time. Some of the picks I have made look delusional at best. But, today is the day when the shocks come rolling in, where titans fall, and teams you've never heard of get their moment in the sun. Until day 3, when they usually get battered.
The weather is cold and crap again. Columbus is having on to the biggest Xmas hangover ever. Despite the gloom, I get to bask in the warmth of hope that will be leaping from the screen, watching a ball bounce up and down, until it does what its supposed to do. Haven't we all had dates like that?

Sea Change.

One of the things I accepted as a fact is that MS meant I would never be able to run, that walking in public would always be a foot drop from a fall, that I'm better off leaving forward locomotion alone. This turns out to be bollocks, its a case of figuring out how to do it.
 Last week Beth ordered us fit bit thingies. You watch your calories, and keep a watch on the steps you take everyday. It didn't take me long to work out that I could cover the steps inside my house, with no fear of falling. I've worked out that i can kind of approach a sort of running, something I never thought I'd see again. From a sedentary start, I'm now walking/running 3 miles a day, something i never thought i'd be doing. Turns out exercising like this is good for the mind, as my thinking is a lot clearer. I hesitated to write this down as I don't want to come off as over excited, burn out, and never do it again. After 5 days I realize the massive difference the inside walking/jogging /running has made. My legs feel stronger and I am more confident about leaving the house and walking around. It doesn't mean that the MS isn't causing me trouble, it does mean that I'm building a better set of tools to deal with it. 22 years in, I'm still figuring this out. What I do know is not to give in, though I have given that a go. When you accept what you are given and stop, thats it. You are where you are going to get to. I've never really known where I'm supposed to be, and whittle away when I can.

Creeper arcade blitz.

Yury and I decided to go down to the 16 Bit bar this evening. Before we went, ate a couple of hotdogs at Dirty Franks. The beer special I ordered came in a small glass. This is always a bad sign. The beer is called Creeper, 11% and not a lot of creeping involved. I went from zero to uh oh, in about a second. On to the 16Bit bar. If you love old arcades, this place is amazing.
Machines line the long walls which surround  the bar. Anything you want to play and the machines are free! A drunken stumble  through the days of arcade past. I'm going to go back when I'm not trashed on my one mini beer. Creeper. Ooh.

Early morning Baker

Woke up this morning, fed Abbey and switched on Radio 5. The Danny Baker show was on with Geoff Capes. A famous strong man of my youth, he came to our school during our schools sports effort week.He was talking about his budgerigar collection. He has 200 and they are in competition. Geoff Capes, who could pull trains and planes. He was really interesting, talking about how he trained his budgies. Danny then played the moment when a trombone player sneezed into his trombone in a quiet, moving part of the piece he was in. Top morning entertainment.
Geoff Capes. Budgies? This is how I felt a few years ago, watching dawn break at the end of our road whilst a huge storm rolled in at the other end, blacking out the morning sky. Battle budgies ahoy! Morning begins.

week

Interesting week. The weather today is going to be nice, unlike some of the rest of the week which was abysmal. 50 degree temperature change mess with anybody. MS means that I know its going to be extra shite and just get on with it. I sat sulking watching Tombstone, which I love. "I'm your Huckleberry." Line. Whilst sitting enjoying the film I was chewing a toffee. a toffee I got from Mexico. I really liked them, lovely and chewy. Then, I felt something that was not a toffee roaming around my mouth.
I spat it out. Looked metallic to me. Was I looking at a Tylenol moment? Was a toffee hater sitting at home stroking a cat, waiting for the incident reports to flood in? No. I looked again. That would be the gold crown I have hidden at the back of my mouth . Bugger. Phoned the dentist booked an appointment for wednesday. They would have got me in on Monday, but I felt there was a lesson to be learned.
Tuesday, infusion day with an open wound at the back of my mouth. Doable, as long as I didn't drink pop. Blood charged up, still relatively safe, wandered home. Beth had bought me a fit bit, decided to put it on after the crown was reattached.
Wednesday. Early morning crown fix. Most expensive toffee, ever. Back home, put on the fit bit thingy. Now i get to count my calories.
Thursday/Friday. Actually the fit bit thingy is ideal. I've walked over 3 miles in the last few days. Turns out seeing how I am doing makes a huge difference.

Perpetual Reset.

We all muddle through life, doing our best, whilst quietly thinking about what it is we are going to so. why we are here. Then something happens, we hit the reset button, and try again, still believing we will reach the place where we are going to stay.

I had this idea drummed out of me forever, sitting on a hospital bed, when I was 22,being told I had MS. At the time I thought I'd dodged a bullet, I thought it was cancer and I was waiting for the  "Have you been to Disneyland?" speech. I actually reacted with a "Yes!" thought about it and said, "Is that the one with the spine torn out on the posters?…Oh. Fuck.I went back to doing stand up, always knowing that my time to do it would run out, which it did in   December 1999.
Reading back now, I know what i meant to say was that my life has been constantly resetting since the diagnosis. i'm sure what ever was coming next was deep and heartfelt. However, since i wrote the first paragraph I've spent my day talking to some of my best friends in England, then we went out to the bar with some of our really good friends here. Food was great, drinks were plentiful. So my message is, whatever awful crosses your path, however bad you think things are, there's always something you weren't expecting that was worth hanging around for.

Rough with treats.

Last night was rough,  massive  temperature drop with a side order of, what the fuck was I eating? Today was a slow/prone day sitting looking at the sun streaming through the widow, whilst knowing its bright visage was a lie,  that cold lay one door swing away. Took the sleep until  summer option, which lasted until this evening.
I now feel at little more together. Im siting at a table looking at the goodies we bought from the airport yesterday. Licorice Allsorts, which did not make it out of evening one. Thats what the fuck I was eating, A giant Toblerone and a pack of maynards wine gums, the only way to fly.
My infusion got moved to next Tuesday, well I moved it, rather than leave the house. Tomorrow will be a little warmer, not 87 F, but better than the ice field we left. Wine gums ahoy!

Holiday

Every winter, we look to get out of the snow for a while. This year, we chose Mexico.  It's an amazing place. Great people, food and drink.  Your body will not thank you for excess, mine didn't. To be honest, who cares?. We fly back to Columbus tomorrow where I think the winters finally broken, right?

Chilled as you like, soon to be cold.

Mexico

We left Columbus, went through Atlanta and came down from Cancun to Tulum a few days ago. Mexico is beautiful. The people are great and I haven't eaten anything I didn't love, since I got here. I did get utterly trashed day 2 and spent an entire night praying for a quick death. Was it the food? No it wasn't, we went back to the same restaurant today. Was it the Tequila? Yep. That, and the other booze it was knocking around with. Today I had my meal with some pop.  We then walked back along the beach with a cloudless, starry sky guiding us home.

Sleep comes early here, lulled by the waves rolling back and forth and necessary, as last nights sleep was somewhat not.