The Fascination of MS Fatigue.

Waiting for Yury to turn up. Passed out in a chair by the door. I woke up and walked towards the door. I looked down and saw a friendly figure leaning against a bench near the door. I knew this figure was not there and held my look until I could work out what it was. It didn't go anywhere and turned and smiled at me. Then it vanished and I realised my optic pathways had reconstructed yoga mats and coats to form the figure. This happens to me all the time, when MS  fatigue is particularly bad. MS fatigue is to being tired what Genghis Kahn is to a bit of scuffle. It must be bad today as at lI've now seen 5 different figures form.
Its MS, or I'm plugged into the dark-side, though they seem quite  friendly.
Weird? Yes. Scary? Yes. Fascinating? you betcha.

Commonsense

Its as important know what you don't know as what it is you are confident about. The trick is to be comfortable not knowing, find those who do, ask them a question, and listen to the answer. Otherwise you end up as one of those people who waits for someone to stop talking so you can have your go.

Reconstruction

What I seem to be doing is reconstructing myself by wrote. I wake up every day and cannot feel my hands, legs, arms or feet. The hands I'm used to, I haven't felt them for 20years or so. Its like permanently wearing a pair of gloves. Years ago, when I couldn't feel them at all. You could place a coin in the palm of hand and I wouldn't know it was there. I did save a ton of money, as I couldn't sign my name for 2 months. Currently my body collapses as it likes, though I'm getting a better sense of it as I go along. Its improved, I spent 2009 spasming 30-40 times a day. So, how to improve my lot? I've found posting music helps. It reconfigures my mind into a good place, and everything seems to limp along after it.
This may sound terrible, but its been avery interesting run. I've had to look at the worst things you can think of, and found that life is a lot more beautiful than most people give it credit for. Perpetually living on the edge of the abyss shows the beauty around you more clearly than you can imagine. You can also spot bullshit at a thousand yards. i'm becoming content with my lot. Took 20 years, and it will still piss me off, but overall I find the world a fascinating place to limp through.

adjustment Bureaux

When I was 13 my parents got me a bureaux. I was so excited, I could store all my stuff in it and do great things, books and such. I was 13, I busted it up pretty much as soon as I got it. I sulked for a few months, then started using it as well as I could. Over time I found I liked its faults, that I had caused, and enjoyed it for what it was.
This is how I find life with MS. I have spent years looking at what should have been, rather than enjoying what is. I'm in Romeo and Juliet playing the apothecary, a small role at the end of the play. My old way of thinking would have been pissed off that I didn't have the health to go up for the Friar. Having burned myself to the ground for 8 months after doing a solo stand-up show in London, I'll take the Apothecary thanks very much. Little pressure and even if things are bad, which they are, I can do it. The read through was Monday where I actually had the chance to read the part of the Friar. It meant a lot to me, and taught me a valuable lesson. Don't sit and stare into the abyss regretting what you can't do, figure out what you can, and enjoy yourself.
And I'm definitely going to see Evil Dead the musical in the woods. I'll probably see both versions, but, Evil Dead the musical in the woods? Tune!!!!