School Reunion

Your opportunity to see how the cool kids you hated, ate and inflated, and flushed their lives down the real world toilet

Odds.

Deciding to play, when  you know you can't win, is incredibly empowering.

Dog Fish

Abbey loves her salmon treats. They smell! They are in her nose long before they get to her mouth. Her favourite. Not a technique that works on a lady. Clean yourself up, you dirty twat!

Sleep

I wanted to thank all those people who've approached me recently, pointing out that I barely seem to sleep at all. You are all absolutely right. I'm barely slept at all, for years. I'm now sleeping a lot better, 5 hours a night or so. The crux came when Emily told me that she really only feels right after 8 hours sleep. Initially I thought, "What you talking about, Bach?"

On reflection, you are all absolutely right, and I will work towards the eight. I may never get there,  but I now understand the difference proper rest makes.

Art

True art, asks one question of the observer, "what does this make you feel?" True artists, leave space for the observer to find their own answer. If you're asking yourself, "Why did he put that up? " Job done.

Flow, I think.

Christian and I spent a month and a half, figuring out the mechanics of The apothecary scene. We are still making adjustments as it runs. We perform the scene, which is getting better and better as it goes. Truth is, after I walk off the stage I can't remember what it was that happened. The only time I've encountered this before is hitting perfect flow doing stand up. If so, this is the first time I've ever hit it acting.

Death by posh Ball. Fun!

You get well paid. The girls look great, decked out in the ball dresses. The blokes stand in ball suits, the first people going down when the revolution comes. I've played the poshest gigs possible in England, theOxford / Cambridge May Ball circuit. Very smart people, or idiots, whose daddy did rather well. I loved playing these gigs. You had no idea how they would go.

Cambridge: In a room, where you could hear the stage hypnotist's act outside. I still don't know how that one went.

Oxford: Noel James sticking the microphone into the speakers. Massive feedback. He then stared down a room of terrified posh kids, with immortal line, "I'm fucking Jimi Hendrix I am!"

Cambridge: The sound drenched in so much reverb, I played it as a Marley gig.

Then, there was that Oxford gig:

My mate Sam used to book these gigs. He, his now wife Nicola and I rolled up with every expectation it would work. I was MC, Sam was doing 20, and we had Miles Crawford to headline. How could it go wrong?

Very quickly, it turned out.

The gig was outside in a tent, bad. 200 over priviliged, drunken hoorays were dancing the night away, to a disco we were about to shut off, for COMEDY. Worse. miles Crawford was nowhere to be found. Sensible.

The music died, I walked on to sulking posh kids, who were already missing their dancing. They'd sat down on the white plastic chairs that littered the tent. The floor was covered in beer. One by one the chairs started to collapse. One leg would shoot up, followed by an airborne hooray. i was having a great time. I was the only one.

I upset the Oxford rugby team by claiming that they had formed a blowjob daisychain, outside the tent. As I say, I was having a hoot.

Then, a very posh girl lost it. She stood by the stage, and projected some very inventive swearing at me. I paused, then said

"I understand what your problem is. You sat in front of that mirror all day. Stare, stare, stare, stare, and Snow White is still the fairest of them all."

She replied:

"Are you calling me a fucking witch!"

I said:

"I'm just saying I wouldn't buy an apple from you Now, go and sit down with the blowjob rugby boys and shut the fuck up."

At this point, having thrown the room into the abyss, I brought Sam on. He did aright, well they hated him a lot less than me. More chairs collapsed. more beer hit the floor. No sign of Miles.

Sam comes off, and we decide to kill the gig, before it kills us. Music comes back on. Those who can still stand, dance.

Miles arrives. He looks around the tent of death. He walks up to me and says, " Let me guess Dowdy. You stood, smiled, then said the worst thing you could possibly think of."

We got paid. Miles gave me a lift home. Gig.

Affirmation

Try not to doubt yourself, there is always some idiot making that mistake for you.


You already own the most powerful machine that exists, your mind. The decision you have to make is whether to use that power to build you, or destroy you. It will do both, equally effectively.

Comfest

Comfest, the hippy halloween. Girls walking around in skimpy clothes, boner hippy style, blokes sporting enough ink to write The Book of Kells, and some girls walking around bare chested. more empowering than sexual, and to honest the boobs that want to parade are rarely the one's you are desperate to see. Props, and nipples out, though. And I nearly got arrested. Needed a pee walking to Knead, figured, I'll just go up a side street. Set to go, looked to my left, and saw two cops in a squad car. Changed my mind, ran though Knead, and peed the pee of the just, and un-arrested. Beth and Aimee saw it happen, and stood working out if they had enough money to bail me out.

Had a fantastic dinner at Knead, which may be a little expensive, but is excellent, drank cocktails, came home and passed out. job done.

Form

Things are beginning to drop into place. After Romeo and Juliet finishes, I'll be helping teach in Raconteur's summer theatre classes. Then, I'm going to teach a class for Mark's students called Front End Performance Skills. Amy Talbott and I have discussed teaching a class called Improv For actor's Who Hate improv. Rhonda and I are looking to perform a Xmas show, and I'm going to do some gigs for mary Miller. I've been line editing with Patsy B on her stand up documentary. In the New Year, I'm going to put my show The Book of Dowd into Madlab. About time

Mind Change.

When i was running as a comic in London, I started to do particularly well. I was resident compere for Screaming Blue Murder, subbed for Lee Hurst at his club, and was having a whale of a time. I could only perform 2 or 3 times a week, as my MS would cripple me for 2 days after I performed. I didn't care. This was where I was destined to be. Then, Screaming Blue offered me the compere slot for their Edinburgh gig. I knew this was the gig that was going to push me onto where I wanted to go. I got sicker, and finally had to say no. It broke my heart, and I quit performing for 3 years.

Just ahead of quitting, I'd met Beth, the love of my life, and decided to get married and move to America. Some of me was glad to get out of England, I wouldn't have to face what had happened any more.

Then, I started doing Shakespeare, partly because I couldn't figure out how people were doing it (work), and because I figured in a cast of 12 I could hide, and still perform. I got good at it. Hiding no longer an option. I tried to quit a number of times, but my friends kept finding ways for me to be able to perform. They made me realize that I don't have to do it all on my own, that people are always willing to help. Thank you.

Conclusion?  I've worked out how to do what I was put here to do. And I'm ready.

Sexual Politics

Men

If you are not giving your lady an orgasm, you are wasting her time. She love's you, but quietly can't stand you.

Solution?

Take your best female friends out, buy them all the food and drink they want. Ask one question:

"What do women want in bed?"

Sit back, shut the fuck up, and listen.

Women.

Blow him. We are that easy, and don't need to be in the mood.

For those girls who find the idea of it disgusting, buy a cat. You are going to end up alone.

Armour

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCK! For my gay and lesbian brother's and sisters. Print this on a t-shirt as amour against right wing religio nazi's (privately unsure of what side of the cock or vagina they stand.)

2 minutes ago · Privacy: ·  · 

I could do that.......no, you can't.

Front end work. Watching Mary, Rhonda and Charlie pitch yesterday, was a real pleasure. True stand-ups have spent years learning how to make the near impossible look easy. every now and again at a party some one will front up saying how they've looked at stand-up, they are funny, and it looks easy. Here's what I said, to one of these fools. "Stand up win everyone around you in10 seconds. Keep them focused for 20 minutes. Have them laughing or giigling every 10 seconds of the 20 minutes. Have a through line, and end wrapping everything together. Do it right now." He said."Oh...." We spend a lot of time making this shit look easy.

Home

Top evening at the Funnybone watching Mary, Rhonda and Charlie . i love knocking around with comics, its like coming home, The 3 double Jack daniels and coke's didn't hurt. Also, chatted with Kristina Kopf, who i hadn't seen for ages, and Patsy, and met Ken, who is in Tool or Die with Jeff Gage, who taught in carolyn harding's class a few years ago. Top evening. Hang over ahoy

Musical influence

This morning I've been listening to Adam and The Ants, who were huge in England when I was seven. We loved the videos,and all danced around to them and Madness, and The Specials. As I've got older, I reaslise I was exposed to punk baroque, ska and top rock music when I was young enough to absorb it like a sponge.The music education English kid's get is stunning.

The difference between an English kid's exposure to music and an American's, is that the american kid's bands have space to breathe, whereas the English bands are constantly being influenced by the influences that surround them. Both ways are excellent, the English way is a lot more full on.

What I mean is an American kid's ear is trained to ride the emotion, in the space their band's allow them, an English kid learns to find the emotion in the busy multi faceted tunes their bands are trained in. Not always the case for the american kid, Detroit techno bring a good example.

Both sets of kids are looking to do the same thing, let the music breathe through them.

There is no such thing as a one hit wonder. What you hear is the moment that a band's work transcends, and hits perfect flow. some only hit it once, listen to their work, and you can see the journey they were on to get there. All artists are looking to do this. Its nigh on impossible and makes you completely obsessive, I can't think of living any other way.

20 people dressed identically stood outside a church.

We all pray to the same God

We all dress the same way

We love everyone dressed in blue

Even the one's who make our teeth itch

and our favourite day, is Sunday.

i think.

Words, music and movement, perfectly blended, have the power to turn off the night.

New Song Start

Every time we walk down the road

Somebody hates our guts.

Playing us not fun at all

Its gonna hurt a lot

And

Every time we walk down the road

Everybody hates our guts

Cabrini Green

I first came to America 29 years ago. I was staying on the south side of Chicago. The first day, the Bulls one the 3-peat, and the Grateful dead played Soldier's Field. Gun fire and dope clouds ahoy! I thought it was really cool. My mum wasn't so convinced when I phoned her, with the rat=a=tat of Bull's fans joy, painting the sky in the background.

I went for a wander, following the cool graffiti. I ended up in Cabrini Green. Not the Cabrini of now, which is nice, but the one they made that documentary about, Candyman.

Two huge black guys walked up. Whatever they were going to do, they changed their mind when I said, "Top grafitti man, all that crossing out, do a lot of people move?"

They took a step back, and said. "Where the fuck you from man?"

"London."

PYou cannot be in here, ever...."

"Sorry about that."

"Ok, just come with us."

They then walked me out, and with a cheery, "You are a lucky motherfucker," left me near Michiigan Avenue. Apparently it was them, or the trunk of a car.

I love Chicago, but be sure to check your corners.

Lovely

Have been living in The Spire (for any William Golding fans) for the past month. Lazy Painters duly bolllocked this morning. Seeing grown men being taken out by a pissed off woman, completely in the right, is very funny, Work now very quiet, but terribly intense,,,,

Something I just remembered.

Years ago I compered a gig in Essex. My acts were, in order: Adam Bloom, Graham Norton and Al Murray to headline. I figured, well, this 'll be easy, forgetting we were in Essex, and that the audience had probably killed someone on the way in. Talked to Graham afterwards, who said he had this TV thingy, and that maybe it'll work out. Yeah, it just might.....

Blowing certainty with aplomb.

Years ago I was chatting uo a very beautiful, super posh girl. It was going very well, and looked certain to be a lot of fun. We were both doing exams at that time.

She said, " I just took an exam. It was a 3 hour exam. I finished in under an hour Simon, under an hour!"

I said, "What are you studying?"

"Zoology," she said.

I  said, " Zoology. Really, how long does it take to write, its a zebra?"

Sexual promise annihilated.

Sex will last a couple of hours, probably less than one. That story? Lives forever.

This old bastard salutes you.

I'm in Romeo and Juliet. You would have thought it would of occurred to me, that I would be working with people somewhat younger than myself. Of course, it didn't. Last night the cold water reality dip happened, when I realised I've been performing longer than most of these kid's have been alive! I'll say now what I said to them. " What deal with the devil have you got? There's no way you should be that skilled that young!" Nice work children, now lets let the nice people come and see what we've been doing, so we can tear them to pieces....

MS Churlish

If I appear to be a total snit, for no fair reason you can discern, something bad is going on you can't see. I, on the other hand, am seeing shit you wouldn't believe. Last night's rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet ran 5 hours or so. Sounds like a lot, but necessary to lock it down, which its doing, exceptionally well. Unfortunately I went in suffering from MS fatigue, before we even started. This meant it took me 3 hours to even start talking to people, and as the evening wore on, the stage started looking very odd indeed. Some of the actors became giant cartoons, and there more people up there than there should have been. Very Faustian.

This is no excuse for being a twat.

My apologies to the lovely ASM who gave me a line note, perfectly accurate actually, only to have me drop it and say, 'If you didn't keep me hanging around for 5 hours, i'd of got it right." You were right, I was an arse, I was very freaked out by what was going on. I dropped the note because I couldn't feel my hands, and decided blaming anyone but myself was the best course of action. 

OPolitics

Newt Gingrich's entire campaign staff just quit, over a difference of opinion about the path to victory. He believed there was one

Anti-bully armour.

If someone fronts you up, try this: "I wouldn't pick a fight with me, and I am me..." Be sure to pitch it ice cold, and watch them change their mind.

This may not work. But, if its going to go chairs and tables, you may as well get a line in ahead of the black eye and the lost tooth.

Don't try the one I used on people trying to break into my house at 3am. I pulled the biggest kitchen knife I could find and shouted, "It will cost you one eye to get into my house, which one of you cunts is first?" They ran away. Whew.....

My Cyberstalker

My cyberstalker: He sits in a darkened room, jacking off, staring into a mirror. He hates himself, he can't cum. He then writes me a poison love letter, the fuck he can't have. Then, he quietly weeps himself into the dreams that hate him. Bless.

Shopping Tripping

It had all started so well, top breakfast at First Watch, then Beth's mum and Dad stripped so much crap out of our house, it actually felt lighter when they left. I was so keen, that despite being on the edge of an 

MS coma, I suggested we go to Easton to look for our new couch and chair.

This went wrong straight away. THe chair I was hoping would work turned out to be tiny, it looked like the chair an upset 5 year old girl got for her birthday, instead of a pony. I reacted quite badly and siad. "That's it? No way, its a piece of shit!!!" We then walked around Restoration Hardware, with me pointing out that the furniture was expensive shite that rich twats with no taste buy. We then went to Crate and Barrel, and I did the same.

Then onto World Market. Beth went in I stayed in the car listening to tunes, trying to stay awake. There was a white Escalade parked facing us. I looked up and saw an old woman staring at me playing with the steering wheel. I thought this was an Optic Neuritis trip, until I remembered how shallow I've been. She was no where near good looking enough to be a spirit I'd conjured, and looked like she'd just had her test results, which hadn't gone well.

Woke up with Beth pounding on the window, as I'd passed out. Home in one piece. I'm going to take that as a win.

Optic Neuritis

When I'm suffering heavy MS fatigue, I see things I know are not there. Figures appear, solid, last around five seconds, and then vanish. I choose not to be freaked out by this, though I have a sneaky feeling I may be connected to the dark side. To be fair, they all seem friendly, and go on their way very quickly.

In the last couple of weeks I've seen a stunning black girl, twice. Once when I was sitting with Beth in the front room, looked up and saw her sitting on our couch, with another figure sitting next to her. The other time was when I was waiting for Beth outside a Home Depot, when I looked across the car park and saw her standing and smiling, then she vanished. Is it Optic Neuritis, connection to the other side, or am I just unbelievably shallow?

Front End Old School

There is nothing I like more than talking and drinking with people who work front end jobs. Last night it was 3 chefs at Thurmans, with Kevin doling out the drinks. The thing about people who work front end jobs, is that they bullshit magnificently, but cant help bleedlng truth as they go. Last night Mike, the chef at Max and Erma's pointed at me and said. "This mother fucker is old school!" Nicest compliment I've had in ages. f I wasn't sick I'd play Old School all the time.....

Book of Dowd

Work on your weaknesses hard enough, and you'll realize, that was where your strength came from in the first place.

If your only skills are greed and bullying, you need to stop wasting tree oxygen and die. Too much? I need more coffee.

Strippers do not love you. Its their job. They hate your guts, and love your money.

They are opening a private university in Bloomsbury in London. It will be charging 18,000 pounds a year. Your tutors will be people like Steven Pinker. They are starting with less than 300 students. Conclusion? The best education money can buy, no social skills at all. Will end up alone, being eaten by their cats when they die. Bless.

I've come to the conclusion, that it doesn't matter where you studied. If you didn't learn while you were there. Other than networking your rich friends, you didn't learn how to learn. You'll figure it out as you get older, and wish you'd done otherwise.


Having MS, the one thing I'm sure of? Life without risk, is death.

If I want to prevent a day going sideways, I have to stay in bed, not pick up the phone, and not answer the voices in my head.

f you have trouble in a shop: Why don't you stop wasting my time. Go away, and send me someone who knows what they are doing. Thank you." Don't forget the thank you, it turns the knife deeper than you think.

Treat everyone as you would like to be treated. Those who treat everyone badly? Fuck 'em, take 'em out.

When attending any public event, walk with a cane, You will be shown restrooms made of gold no one knows of, and seats you'd have to re-mprtgage your house to plant your arse in.

Anyone who tells you how brilliant they are, isn't.

My cyberstalker: He sits in a darkened room, jacking off, staring into a mirror. He hates himself, he can't cum. He then writes me a poison love letter, the fuck he can't have. Then, he quietly weeps himself into the dreams that hate him. Bless.

If someone fronts you up, try this: "I wouldn't pick a fight with me, and I am me..." Be sure to pitch it ice cold, and watch them change their mind.

Don't try the one I used on people trying to break into my house at 3am. I pulled the biggest kitchen knife I could find and shouted, "It will cost you one eye to get into my house, which one of you cunts is first?" They ran away. Whew.....


Its only arrogance, if you can't back it up. And you are an arse

There you go, back pocket, yours for free.

Fun Work.

Anything worth doing starts out as a huge black wall, that you can't see around or understand. Your job is to put a door in the wall you can walk through. For me. you do this by listening and watching very hard. If you do this, its not possible your life is a waste of time, its a never ending series of adventures you haven't had yet.

59 minutes ago ·  ·  · 

Music

Everyday I wake up feeling like shit. MS is like that, it can take any part of your body, as hard as i likes. The solution I've found for myself is putting on my ipod and running through tunes I know and some I discover. No one uses their ipod properly, we all boot tracks and albums we forget about. This means there is a fantastic forgotten jukebox waiting for us to discover.  That's how I spend every morning, building myself into the day, using a relay of known and unknown emotions until I feel ready.. Sometimes its easy, sometimes difficult, but always worth it.

Disaster - Lyrics

I poured coffee in my computer

Does this mean it will work faster

Did you back up your files on outboard  drive?

That's caffeine led disaster

I put all my cash in a ponzi scheme

Does this make me the money master

Did you give all your money to old Bernie?

That's an investment disaster.

Face-booked drunk on Friday night

That my boss is a total tosser

Monday comes new job to find

That's a resume disaster

Bank Holiday one day too long

And I slept with her sister

All alone in a darkened room

And my fist ia bloody blister

We all do lots of stupid things

They don't cover us in glory

Then time goes by and you realise

That's a cracking bloody story.

The Joy of Radio.

My whole life has been lived enhanced by the power coming through the radio.

 My formative influence is English radio, with brief sojourns onto pirate ship Caroline, when it fought its way through the static. Now I get to enjoy American radio, particularly NPR and the two top notch indie stations in Columbus.

I know I'm getting older, because I'm currently streaming Radio 2, which plays a lot of the music that was cutting edge and I listened to on Radio 1 when I was a kid. I can still feel in touch with the now by listening to Radio 6. One of my favourite shows is on there, Guy Garvey's Finest Hour. 

Spoken word has also been a massive influence on me. Radio 4 and 4 Extra (formerly radio 7) sit there waiting for you to grow into them. As  comic, there is no better example of perfect timing than listening to Hancock's Half Hour, or any number of old comedy shows that wait patiently for you to discover them.

This is the great strength of the internet. It acts as an archive of learning you can dip into as you wish.

Radio, this sucker always plays you.

And, since Aimee asked me:

Go to bbcnews.co.uk type any of those stations into the search the bbc news window, top right. You'll love it.

and since the punk in me will never die, check out Paul B Edwards Punky radio podcast. Excellent.

I've been lucky enough to have a couple of tracks played on it, always Xmas songs. Now looking to getting more songs recorded and over to him.

Toot Toot

The joy of public transport

Reading Megan's articles on spending a week with no car in Dayton reminded me of just how much fun I used to have traveling around London on buses and trains.

If you live in town long enough you begin to get a real feel how to hike yourself across the city. I was in Bloomsbury when there was a flood which shut down the tubes. I was alone, the cabs were all full, and it was getting late. But, because of the flood, the buses were free. I rode four of them to take myself across town to where I lived.

Of course you can ride the 3am night bus, if you fancy seeing what the apocalypse is going to look like. I always found it a lot of fun.

The best public transport hitching I ever did was three trains coming back from a gig in Southampton. I'd got on the wrong train, and when I gave the ticket officer my ticket he said, "Oh no son, this train is going to Wales. Don't worry we'll drop you off at the next station. My cousins train is due to go through there in 20 minutes."

"Go through there? Its not a stop?"

"No worries, I'll let him know."

He dropped me off at a deserted station. I stood wondering, where I was, and how much trouble I was in. Then a train trundled in. A guard was hanging out of the door. He waved.

"London, is it?"

"Yeah," I said very relieved.

"We're not going there," he said.

"But we can drop you at the main station, you can pick up the London train from there."

And he did. Three trains later I was home. Still the coolest night's travel I ever had...