Phoenix From The Arses...

This one is difficult to believe, but it did happen, exactly as detailed below.....

4 miles from the gig am told that the venue doesn't know I'm replacing Jay the headliner.

get to venue lock myself between 2 security doors. Smash myself and my thumb out.

Go bleeding to the local Subway, they're very nice, get a plaster.

Back to venue, owner told of minor change. He looks like I just took a shit in his salad.

4 gruesome minutes, with me trying to plan at least an airbag gig. Crash imminent, minimize damage.

Jay the original headliner walks in. Whew.

Re-plan gig with me going before a raffle, yes a raffle, then Patsy and Jay to end.

2 minutes before I go on to a sold out gig.  i need a pee and assume the mens will have a couple of urinals.

Walk into find a urinal next to a toilet with a chilled out hippy taking a dump.

Explain that I am on in 2 minutes and have to pee.

He says "If you're ok I'm ok."

Take a pee with the man less a yard behind me taking a shit. Manna from the comedy gods.

Go on stage open with this and storm it. Phoenix from the arses.....