Flow....

I sat all of yesterday wondering whether I should post this. sitting in my new kitchen, the new paint job drying in the front room, listening to Guy Garvey's Finest hour on Radio 6 at 3 in the morning. My conclusion is it might come across a bit poncy but that's OK.

When I walked from comedy in 1999, I did so believing I would never perform again. To be honest  it broke my heart. fortunately I was going between London and Chicago dating my wife beth, so I could distract myself from what had happened. I actually did a gig in Chicago, open spot night, 24 comics, no kidding. But I still couldn't face trying to carry on. My MS had kept me from what I needed to do to take the comedy further, although being resident compere for Screaming Blue had been a god send.  The problem was travel, not gigging. I've solved that now. If you want me to work for you, you have to take me to the venue and bring me home. I was embarrased about this back in the day. Having voiced it, I've found people incredibly understanding and very cool.

When I moved to Columbus I still couldn't face going back to stand up. I did impro  classes and enjoyed working with others. The first comedy I ever did, having been taught by Spontaneous Combustion, was in rough house pubs and at the Comedy Cafe. We actually tried a Kabuki game and I heard Eugene Cheese, front right, spit into his beer and yell "What the fuck are they on about?"

Impro clubs in America are way too polite.

I then auditioned and got into As You Like It and Merry Wives Of Windsor having lied to Actor's Theatre and told them I could do a Welsh accent. I played Hugh Evans.

Then spent five years acting. I enjoyed working with other people, got to play my way through the comic cannon and learned how to work. You can't bluff Shakespeare, I tried it. What was great was bringing all the stuff I'd learned in the London Battlegrounds and using it for something different.

The MS put stop to the acting this year. I quit out of Hay Fever and playing the Porter in Macbeth(one of the roles of my list I really wanted) I felt that the theatre people couldn't trust me, how I felt when I walked in 1999. So I walked again.

This time however, I'd figured out how I could do the comedy. Put me in the room I'll do the gig.

It dawned on me I was doing it differently. All those years of acting and thinking about stand up had changed something.

Today I figured out what it is. I've achieved flow.  Flow is the moment where you don't think about storming or dying. Its not that you don't care  its just irrelevant. I feel I am where I should be, doing exactly what I always wanted, exactly how I wanted to do it.

The rush I got today when I realised what was going on was amazing. Its probably the best high I have ever had (and I did 5 gramms of intraveneous steroids) It was so over powering (prepare your kicking boots Mr Legge) that I sat and wept.

For anyone doggedly following the art their heart is in, I hope you see this day. It is life changing. 

Of course next gig I'm gonna die on me arse, but just for today, I understand what it is I was trying to achieve all these years.