Tipping Point

Every now and again with MS you hit a day which makes you think, "Oh, I think that might be it. A day where everything you struggled and worked for doesn't mean anything anymore. The piper has called and times up. I'd worry more if this hadn't happened to me numerous times before. In the end its a shit day, the worst this year, but, its doable. As ever everything I want lies in front of me, I just need to rest until I am ready.

Then:

On the shitest day of the year, it helps if one of your oldest friends phones you randomly from London. An hour later I realized, :Its just shit, MS is bollocks, kip it out, It'll be alright. Anyone want a fight? You know, a lot more positive. Cheers Neil. As ever, I owe you one.

Not a gang member.

I've always avoided part of a group of people who are always around each other. I enjoy a groups company every now and again, just not all the time. Is this because I'm a rugged individualist? Is it because I'm fussy, and will not be told to like/tolerate someone, because they are in the group? Yeah, a bit. I guess its on my mind because I took  the plunge recently and got on the board at MOFA. They felt like a group of people I could be around a lot. 

I'd been around groups a few rimes before, bands when I was younger, and actors seasonally, doing Shakespeare and such. MOFA is the first time since I was in a band where I feel I can be a part of something, and be able to be around it a lot. So, I am a member of the movie gang. You know whar? Its rather nice.

Oh....

Having used a stolen home pregnancy test, Gerry was shocked to discover the kid wasn't hers.

Morning

Coffee, cigarettes, a glass of water with a shot of 100% cranberry juice and a pear. Remarkably effective. Of course the Bismarck from Buckeye Donuts doesn't hurt.
I was taking a bottle of water back to the fridge. Found myself, bottle in hand, looking at the dryer. More coffee right?
I think I got thrown off because MS can do this weird thing to your eyes, where everything looks bigger than you know it is. Insert cock size joke as appropriate.

Neigbours

Just woke up believing it was Sunday morning. If it is, its ever so dark. Oh, I missed the Rapture then...All that's left is tossers with crappy voices talking too loud on their front porch. Hell on Earth indeed. Everybody, "Fuck off back inside, we're wishing you all died...."

Craft

Anyone who is truly skilled at anything, never thinks they totally have it. They are pleased with the level they have reached, but always looking to learn, to push themselves further.

Sept 11th

I was in Chicago that day. Never seen anything like that. We went out that evening, a lot of people did. It was like somebody turned down the volume on a whole country.

Dream Buggy

I sort of woke up last night, and went from The Cure The End, to Dead Can Dance The Carnival is Over. Turned on my computer, went straight into Facebook, and 40 pages of music sprayed across the screen. No idea how that happened. Figured, well I did it in a dream, I'll fix while I'm still asleep. Worked.

Pace.

All of family, and my closest friends have told me , "Pace youself better Si, that's why you keep losing months at a time." People who've known me for years, know the pattern. I come in out of the fog, work as hard as I  can doing whatever has sparked my interest, regardless of the physical cost. Job done, I then return into the mist for a while and recover. 

Often, as is the way with performing, another opportunity will come up immediately. Depending on what it is, I  asses the risk, and often do it anyway. This was what made me stop performing as a stand up in England. I was doing well, being offered a lot of work, and took the risk over and over, until I realized iI couldn't do it any more.

Then I drank my way through the next three years. Its difficult to see the risk if you are drunk most of the time. In the end I realized that what I'd thought when I was diagnosed with MS years earlier was right, I was leaving. Didn't know where, or why, but I was going.

What I was doing, was running from the city where the worst thing that had ever happened to me lay. Not London's fault. I have nothing but love in my heart for her, but it took distance to see it.

I faced the same pacing mistakes I'd made in London here in Columbus. The acceptance fronm the acting community made me want to keep on pushing, beyond where I could physically go. I've dropped out of 4 plays bcause of it.

My assumption was, no one will ever trust me, they will never book me. Wrong, yet again.

Now I look at my risk level a lot more seriously., not perfectly, but better. I'll still screw up, hopefully, not as much.

No Cuntry for old men.

An old bloke accidentally cut up a 30 year old cunt at the end of our road. The old man got out of his car to say sorry. Afore said cunt, apparently drunk, got out of his shit life delivery wagon, and beat the old man. Old man went to hospital, had a stroke and died. My vote? Arse fuck him to death in prison.

Mystery

We got new drapes from Pottery Barn. The new fashion asks the questions,"Did you think you were going to the beach? Did you get dressed in the dark? Have you decided to try hooking at Pottery Barn? Are you sure you should have eaten that for breakfast?" Like the tragedy of the wash day thong back in London years ago. Heads-up. We like the mystery. All that crap does is save us the cost of a date.

Odds

Day by day, I have to calculate the odds of how badly that day can go. Today started ok, then  began to drop away. I haven't felt my hands or feet properly for over two dacades, so that's not the tell. That I can't feel much wrist to elbow, or ankle to knee, tells me today, isn't going to work out.

Time

The picrure of four young kids my uncle John put on my Facebook page today, gave me pause and the opportuntiy to reflect. The kids are, going clockwise from the kid in the white shirt on the left:

My cousin Michael

Me

My uncle John

my brother Kev.

I appear to have eaten the kid in the photo and had a few pies since. 

This picture was taken during the last time I ever saw Michael. Like all of us, he did stupid stuff when he was a kid. The restof us were lucky. He wasn't and passed way too early. looking at the picture, I remembered how much I liked him. He was the one who played White Lines for me on a pub jukebox, during this visit. If his ear was that well tune at that age, lord knows what level he'd be at now.

So, a melancholic Sunday start, but not a sad one. Rest easy Michael, I'm so glad I got to meet you.

Michele, our hell

Always on about people sinning

But you have zero chance of winning

Have a dance with your big gay husband

You're definitely gonna lose

Have a dance with your big gay husband

you're definitely gonna lose.

Obama don't know this

And he don't know that

But your man doesn't know the shape of your twat

Have a dance with your big gay husband

You're definitely gonna lose

Our hearts and minds

You cannot capture

So you're just waiting 

On the Rapture

Have a dance.....

But if you get the job

And the stars align

Then the Mayans were right

The entire time

Have a dance with your big gay husband

My god you gotta lose.

Have a dance with your big gay husband

My god you gotta lose.