Today i woke up and realised I was remotely on the ball. Not perfectly, I have a high dose of fuck-uppery which runs rampant through my veins. Today I didn't wake up waiting for it to get dark.
This is a huge symptom of MS in the winter. I think people with MS should get a hibernation option for the snowy cold months. That or our own temperate island, we can limp around in peace. If it sounds all gloomy and sorry for myself, don't get me wrong. I'm grinning a lot typing this.
MS can be fascinating. It steals time, and it makes me forget what actually was achieved. Then, from nowhere, it lets me remember, as a neural pathway reconnects itself.
It began to happen while Beth and I were shopping in Whole Foods last sunday. The melee of smells which fought for dominance began to spark memories. Of parks and walks and good times with friends. All of which I had, not forgotten, but had difficulty remembering.
There are a ton of other things I can't remember clearly, though I know they exist. Like reaching for an elusive word, which is there, but not quite. I know at some point those pathways will clear. I don't know when, but I look forward to them coming back. You can tell if its happening, I stop still as the memories rush back in. I used to be terrified those memories would be gone forever. Turns out, they are just sulking, sat behind a scar in my brain, while my nose helps them figure out a route to get back.
The time thing I can't solve. The only thing to do with that is to let go of time lost and use that which is available. Easier written than done, but to honest flailing internally against an opponent you can't beat, and no one but you is fully aware of, is a waste of time. It also turns you into a selfish self regarding twat. My apologies to anyone who has been swiped by this, I shall endeavour to do better. I have a horrible feeling I've written that before. Obviously I need to smell something pertinent. some humble horse shit most likely.
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