Rain

Having had a confusing week, with spring weather, winter weather, and spring in the day, and cold that I didn't see coming weather in the evening, we have settled on raining, with the potential for a tornado.
When I moved here, I was terrified of tornados. This was because the day after I moved here, I heard my first tornado siren test. I was in my new flat, in my new country, and as far as I knew, some sort of war had just been declared. I was a little perturbed.
I now know that the siren in Columbus will go off every Thursday at midday. I also know that hearing the siren at any other time is bad news. I have seen the over excited weather people, as they detail the tornado that may be coming, by showing the potential path, and the place you should hide if it hits your house. Apparently its England though Doris gave me pass for thought about that.
I have had the siren wake me up at 2am. Bugger I thought,  as I sat listening to the death wind howling around me. And then it went somewhere else.
So, today is a little confusing. The news has been saying,
"We are ok, its gone past. Hang on, oh, ah, well, we'll keep an eye out."
The confusion is that I know that the warning is definitely going to go off at midday.Hmm....perturbing.

Connection Fail

I know that the world has supposed to have moved to a glorious place where we can talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time we want. I use this a lot to stay in touch with my friends in England. I really like it, but as time goes on I find that I get to do it less, because people are busy, and they are not sitting around waiting for my call. Having thought about it, I think this is alright. This means that we are both doing stuff, and that we will have more to talk about when we both have the time.
What I don't like is people from countries I've never visited who phone me at 5 O'clock in the fucking morning. I've never been to Uruguay, so the odds are that I don't know you. I answered one of these calls, because the call came in as an unknown number. This can be from England, and at that time of the morning, its going to be bad, and I had better take it. There was some bollocks being waffled that I had no interest in trying to decipher, so I hung up. and they called again. Fuck off! Done.
Well all done until today, when a call came in that showed it was from Uruguay, who I presume is the twat that phoned me at 5 in the morning. Now, it may be a wrong number. But, the amount of reports of cons being done over the phone is quite high. If you believe the scaremongering, its an epidemic! So, my Uruguan phone buddy, check the number you were given, and piss off.
Oh, and if its a girl or boy that you are looking for ? Like me, they are not interested in you, and gave you a fake. As I said, piss off!
If you are going to be given a fake number from someone who is not interested, could you be from somewhere easier to spell than Uruguay. Thanks.

Easy Street.

I’m writing now, quite drunk, attempting to sober up. Having spent four days in the house, talking to few and doing less, I found myself at the end of days, at the last Wine Wednesday at Easy Street, which is due to shut forever this Saturday. You could feel the fade, few of the wines were available, though the one we got was excellent. The food was great, and the atmosphere was amazing. The bar was absolutely packed, which is a lot different to how it has been in the last few months. Iif the bar had been running like this, it would not be closing. 

It was  amazing to be a witness too the end of times. I could feel the bars last throes playing out around me. it didn’t  matter how great the room was, or how hard that everyone  played, it was over.

We'll be back on Saturday, for the last brunch.

Back.

No computer for a year and  a half. Now I have one. No excuses, time to get some work done.

Well that was a few days ago. I was left on my own for the weekend. All the movie channels were streaming free until Monday. I didn't even leave the house. At all. I did watch a couple of good boxing movies, southpaw and Creed. This was as much exercise as I managed. I did make a nice banana bread. Monday went as badly

. Today is Tuesday. Things have to pick up. Im typing away right now. I have to release some ideas. Its not that I'm suffering from writers block. I’ve slid into the “Oh well, I’m really ill, lets not worry about it’” state of mind. 

I’ve spent the last month doing a lot of medical things, land learning how to walk properly, again. I have had two hard falls, I think that they happened because I am relearning how to walk. It doesn't make the bruises any more fun. But, I live with bruises all the time. I bump against walls, always a lot harder than I think. It makes me want to stay still and avoid the risk. Then I feel like a failure for avoiding risk. 

Its one of the biggest problems with MS. Knowing that Im mentally capable of doing things, talented enough, and then I get physically challenged constantly. 26 years of this has meant that I have only been able to do, what I know I’m capable of, and that I love to do, until I hit collapse, and have to retreat into yet another holding pattern. 

This present pattern has gone on for way too long. I no longer have the time to waste. I need to pour the words out. They are there. Im typing at the speed of thought now. I’m not sitting pondering. Its how I play guitar. I look to get into a rhythm and start deconstructing on the fly. I am doing what I do when I play, where I go back and edit what Im doing. Thats not exactly typing at the speed of thought then is it? Fuck off, how shitty and incomprehensible do you want ithis to be?

Im sitting at my new computer.

Ive just set up  a word count. My friends who write properly roll me that then don't start to relax into what they are doing until they have got a thousand words under their belt. These thousand words are only there as a way to relax into begging to work. Ive just decided that I need to get a thousand words as the first thing I do every day, just to see if this works and that it leads to anything at all. Its way too  easy to think, that'll never work ,and to never do the work to find out if it does. I was about to say that this is a major MS symptom, to admit defeat because that is definitely whats coming. No. Whats coming by admitting defeat before trying , is certain defeat. If I don't do anything, all that is left is where to put the Blame. It cant be fault, Im super sick, sick in a way that most people never have to deal with. Yeah, except those that do. Except those who have things a lot worse than I do, those who are at the gate, awaiting death. Ive been told a number of times that I’m facing death. That is a serious mind fuck, I’ve been told I’m facing total disability. Ive been told any number of things. What I haven't been told, is the number of days that I have left. That I should be making amends, leaving my last messages. That is a mind fuck. Telling me over and over how close to the abyss I am, is a mind fuck all of its own. 660 words.

I know that Im not the only one having to deal with this. However, Im the only one living with this shit in the dark privacy of my own head. I’m not that big a fan of myself to begin with. I go from flashes of how good I could have been, at any number of things I’ve tried, to landing on the useless I fee,l is actually happening, with frightening rapidity.
Even typing this out makes me feel like a whining bitch. I have ;lived in America for too long. I really thought of how to tap out from whining. All I could think of was bitch. Or ninny, I did consider ninny.I think ninny is such a sweet word. There are plenty of rough effective words. I swear all the time. ‘Ive checked, that means that Im intelligent, though I think this may have been written down by some cunts looking out for themselves. Nah, fuck it, swearing is clever. Knowing when to back it down? Cleverer still. Having control over your presentation is very important. You cant be in a job interview and say of courseI want the fucking job.

“Of course I want the fucking job!” 

That interview could have gone better. 

Thats the first thing Ive written in this block that I think could be a good opening to a short story. That is what this is for Think. Keep on spraying out the words until ideas begin to land. This is what I have read about writing. That there is no easy way in. That it is work, constant work, looking for inspiration. You cant look for inspiration, you can be inspired, you can search for ideas. You can go back to Einstein. 99% perspiration 1% inspiration.  I have to do this to start everyday. This actually makes sense. Why would I be walking around, telling one person at a time this great idea I just had, and then losing it as I walk on. I have dumped so many good ideas. I think most people do. Your friends will turn around every now and again, usually after a few drinks, and remind you of that brilliant idea that you vaguely remember was world changing and brilliant. Done me thousand. Break.

Restart

Having claimed that I could not get Blogger to work on my old computer, I did what I always do, poke at everything, until I look up and say,
"Oh, thats better."
So here we are. No new computer, one failed attempt, and a packed  month. Different people came through and stayed with us,which was fantastic The year then took a body swerve, culminating in an election thats sets us up for a very interesting 4 years.
Right, lets check if this still works.

Reboot.

I killed my computer months ago, drowned it on the table in front of me. I watched it try to keep on going, then the screen faded, and it became a dead brick. Bugger I thought, looking at the empty pint glass of water , which lay looking slightly abashed.

 "Again you moron?" it seemed to say. 

I decided not to buy a new computer. I stuck to what I thought. Today I picked up a refurbished Macbook pro. Its not brand new, but it does exactly what I want, and my tunes came in magically from where they've been hiding for the last few months. I can now record the songs I've been writing for the past few months. As ever, pretty tunes, apocalypse lyrics. 

All I have to do is keep this puppy from the lethal swim from a tumbling glass, and I think we will be fine...hmm.....

Bloody minded.

People have told me for years that I'm bloody minded. 

"When you decide to do something, it's best to get out of your way." 

I always thought this was bollocks, but it turns out they were right. This morning when I got up it was raining.

"It'll probably back off," I told myself. An hour later it was still coming down. This was the moment when I had every reason to say,"ah well, no walking this morning." 

This is not what I did. I decided to avoid my usual urban start, and head straight to the park. It was very different, in that I usually enter the park after 2 miles. 

My solution was to walk around finding new routes, until I was happy that I had covered the distance I was aiming for. Ideally I want to start the day with 4 miles. I nearly got it today, but the sky opened up, so I wandered home. 

What?!!! What happened to eating biscuits and swearing at the news? Turns out that I can do both. All I can say is that I honestly did not see this coming, but I'm very happy that it's here.

Day starts

Today is starting as all of my days have started for the past month. I wake up by 5am and put on some coffee , of which I will drink a cup and a half. I'll eat a banana and a granola bar, and drink some water. I then get myself ready and walk out of my front door as the day breaks, it's best if I wait until light is beginning to come up. I've gone out earlier, and realised that the hour between the end of night and the beginning of the new day is interesting, but best avoided, 

I then go out on the road and try and  walk until I've hit two miles. I then go into the park and try to get upto 4 miles. Then I come home looking like I've been in a bath. Drink some more coffee, have a shower, day starts. I've tried the other way, drink coffee, eat biscuits, swear at the news, and sulk my way into the day, This new way is more difficult, but it makes the rest of the day a lot more fun,

What is that?

Outside of my infusion day, I've been starting every day by walking at least two and a half miles, I walked a mile over the day when I had the infusion. Today I noticed something I wasn't expecting. I think I'm feeling a little bit healthier. I thought I was supposed to feel entirely shitty, all the time. Hmm.... What shall I do with that?

Test.

I knew when I decided to wake up and go walking every morning that there would come a day where I thought "Fuck this!" That morning was this morning. I hoofed out of the door at 545 in order to beat the earth burning. I hadn't calculated the humidity, which was brutal. I hadn't fully accounted for how urban a walk I was taking, and got to meet a nice bloke, who did his spiel, and then tried to hit me up for some cash. I wasn't carrying any, so he wandered off. I saw the nice police cyclist again, who now wished me a cheery good morning, and took me off of his potential early morning criminal list. It was going great.

Then I hit mile 2 and I felt every step of it until I got home. This is the point where you can say "fuck that!" However, this time I have decided that I'll go with it. 2 and a half miles in killer humidity, I  came home looking like id been in the bath. So today is indeed  a fuck it day. I've decided fuck it, I'm going to do it anyway.

Dawn parade

This morning I woke up really early. I figured that I better get a walk in before the earth burns. I went out of my front door, it was  still dark. My plan to go straight to the park adjusted. In my mind there are people currently leaving that park who been around all night. Bullshit! I thought and wandered down the road under the lights.
I got to the back of Schiller park and thought,
"Sod it, I'll go through anyway!"
This was going great until I saw a figure standing under a tree in the distance. Dawn was beginning to break, but it was still a little spooky. The figures head was staring down, he wasn't moving at all.
"Bollocks!" I thought and walked on. I looked again, still no movement. I was getting closer. He flinched, and waved his hand. Pokemon Go......
I wandered on, sat on a bench, said good morning to the nice police cyclist, who wasn't really sure what I was doing there, and then came home.
The day is now starting to heat up, and tomorrow is going to be worse. Early morning urban walking again, maybe he'll catch the Pokemon this time.

Sea change

I've been back from England for a couple of days. I landed three weeks ago, and then bounced around, until we flew back on Sunday. We flew not knowing if our flight would be pulled when we got to Newark, every weather report hinted that it would. Other people had already rebooked their flights for the following day, so that if we got stuck, we couldn't get out of Newark for at least 2 days. It does make flying in a lot more exciting.

We got delayed a bit, ordered food using the iPad thingy they now have set up, like Blade Runner, but a lot more shit, and expensive enough to bring a tear to your eye. Apparently the chicken sandwich is made of gold.

Fantastic time at my mum and dads houses. Don't drink Bombadier....don't ask. Amazing wedding of two of my best friends, Becky and Reid. You don't see a day of such pure joy that often, I feel privileged to have been there.

The sea change is that I decided to wake up early and walk everyday. Today I was out really early as this day and those following this week, are going to fry.

I spent years believing that the MS meant that I couldn't really walk. Turns out that I was wrong. 2 miles a day, not bad.

Re-repair.

My happiness with finding all my old tunes on my old computer became somewhat dulled when it fell on its arse and refused to come out to play. I spent the next couple of weeks lamenting the loss of all those tunes I had found again, and moved over to streaming Radio 6. However, last night something struck me. I cannot quite remember exactly what tmy inspiration was, but whatever I did, means that I'm now sitting happily typing very badly, listening to all my old tunes, on the newly resurrected Itune sound bank. Am I a computer genius? Am I fuck. Cool tunes though....

Kill or Cure.

There are often reports that MS can be cured. Usually once I check into them, they turn out to be bollocks, pitched by a snake oil salesman, or by a deluded well-meaning sort, who,
" Really has got a hold of this beast!" Bless.
This is why I don't ever get my hopes up. However, the clinic trial in Canada does look very interesting. All the reports I've read about it say the same thing. If it works its amazing, if not, it can kill you. Its an ultra aggressive course of chemo therapy, where your immune system is destroyed, and then replaced with one built from your blood which hasn't yet been affected with MS. One person has died doing it. The infusion regime I do once a month has killed a lot more people than that. The fact that they admit just how dangerous it is, makes me think that this really might work.
Its like a greasy spoon thats been shut down a few times. So what if they got caught out, you know that it will taste great, and you can't fault them for effort. Does this mean that I'm now taking the top bacon sandwich approach to health? Well, I've tried everything else.

Shopping.

Beth and I decided to do our food shopping n the worst afternoon of the week. We entered he Friday fuck-fest, full of people hoping against hope that this time it would be a much better party than the last. No crying. no sirens, no permanent wreckage.This afternoon is often followed by buggered brunch sunday, where a table of the surviving friends try to peace together exactly where it all went so wrong. The tipping point usually has a name, which will be sneered into dust over over-priced eggs.
But, today I found a jar of dry roasted peanuts. The firat one I ate took me back to a New Years Eve in the 70's. Kev and I were at my Nan and Grandad's house, playing a game called Knightmare on our 48k ZX Spectrum! We drank cokes.  ate peanuts and cheese, it was great. I think our friend Stuart Bradley's sister was banysitting.  She was really cool, and we played records, you know, on a record player! Top memory, cost me a peanut.
So, if your party kicks off,go home and eat something you haven't had for ages, Little Debbie maybe? Cheaper than frowning, hung over a slowly decaying  Sunday platter, that you can'r remember ordering in the fist place....

The joy of books.

Our new library is now open on Parsons Ave. Its around the corner from our house. I joined it yesterday. I hadn't been in a library for far too long. There is something about being surrounded by books that I adore. I could look through them for as long as I wanted, then choose something that caught my eye, but that I knew nothing about, and then sit in a comfortable chair and read for a while to see if I liked it. I really did.

The book is by an author I'd never heard of, Antonya Nelson, her short story collection Funny Once. I was halfway through the first story when I knew that I'd been taking her book home. I get to keep it until the end of June. Her writing is excellent, I don't think i'm going to need that long.

The library is a modern take on the old staple, there is a lot of space, a lot of computers, and you check out the books using barcodes on terminals near the main desk. The library was full of people. A lot of kids doing projects the library had set up, adults frowning in concentration at computers, doing work they were trying to get their heads around. And, there were people just sitting around reading. Perfect.

MS stopped me from reading properly for years. Optic neuritis blurred everything into a mangled mess. This began to sort itself out a few years ago. While my eyesight holds up, I will be visiting this little slice of heaven a lot.

i think that I said it before, my kindle is great, but it's not close to the experience of reading a physical book. This was something that I couldn't do for a long time, see mangled mess comment above. 

We ended the day by going to the House of BBQ and Blues, a food truck on Parsons, If you get the chance, go to the library. If you're as lucky as I am, you'll get to end your day with fantastic BBQ.

Post soundtracked by Radio 6.

Food Folly.

I think i was inspired by the Play post of this morning. Beth and I went to an excellent Vietnamese restaurant on Bethel Road. I decided to push it a little. I don't know if you've ever had shredded pork skin. My advice? If you know whats coming. and that  you are not going to sit there looking at a perfectly good dish, whilst it slowly dawns on you  that shredded pork skin is a little to on the nose  a description for you to handle what is coming? Have at it. I tried, but the description defeated me. My fault entirely. Still, nothing ventured....No. I should have known better. Sod it, I did know better, and I ordered it anyway.
Great dessert....

Play.....

LBC radio is currently running a program on how kids are being molly coddled, and not being trained about some of  the risks of out and about. The show's premis is based on how many times we should have been killed when we were kids.
 I had a bit of a think. My number of narrowly avoided deaths is quite high. Do I think these were valuable lessons? Well, sort of. I still make potentially fatal mistakes every now and again, but I do spot them coming a lot quicker. I wouldn't try and build a treehouse out of rotten wood from the garden again. I still have the scar on my left wrist as a salutary reminder. Is that the worst thing I ever did? No, not even close.
Did I get knocked down by a double decker bus? Yes. Was it my fault? Yes.  Did I nearly fall in a lake in the pitch black at midnight last weekend? Yes. Was that my fault? Hell yes! Come to think of it, I'm not a great safety mascot, though I am the poster child for the.
"Have fun, you never know!"crowd.
Is that a soubriquet I wanted? No. But, would I change anything? I could do without the MS. but other than that? I don't think so. I am a terrible example, but I do know this, be comfortable with yourself, let no one tell you who you are, throw away the rotten wood in the garden, and you will be fine. Don't bounce it up with a Double decker bus either, I still have no idea how I walked away from that one.....

Day two in computer past

This computer is not that old. The keyboard is much better, I can actually read the screen, and my tunes sound much better than when they were being produced by my laptop. The laptop's half hearted pitch through its abysmal speakers always came through as a sneer.
"Buy some decent speakers to plug into me you cheap fuck! Bargain basement computer fool, just my luck."
"Yeah, well it turns out you cant sing or swim for shit!"
No response, as my narky laptop is now an expensive aluminium ornament.
The internet is working slow but ok, the email is like a distressed old lady lost in a supermarket, being guided by a kid whose first day is not working out as well as he had hoped.
What I seem to have is an excellent word processor with top tunes, and intermittent communication with a future world its creator did not foresee. Not as easy, but way more productive.

Reconstruction

I leant my mate Patsy my desktop computer a long time ago.
"What do I need that for? I have my lovely mini laptops."
 The laptops are now all dead, all drowned, by accident, by me. Patsy delivered my old clunky desktop back to me last night. Its fucking great! Its a little slow, but it does exactly what I ask it to do. It also has a massive Itunes library, that I had forgotten about No streaming, just a ton of cds that I love, and had ripped to the hard drive over the years. Much like a beautifully designed book that wins out over a kindle, though I love my kindle. This old school hard drive was always full of that I wanted, and has been waiting patiently all this time, knowing that I would be coming back eventually....Old school technology for the win. Ah.....