Flinch.

I came across a Charlie Rose with Bill Murray this evening. It was an hour or so, and I sat transfixed as Bill sat and thought about the answers he gave. Most interviews are a quick trip to the flashcards they have learned. This was something else.
The question he mulled over the most is what he would like to do. He thought for a while and then said, he would like to present. He wanted to live in the moment as much as he could. That's it. I think that is exactly what I would like to do.
In the past few years my MS has got progressively worse. I've had to start doing infusions, just so I can maintain walking for as long as I can. I spent most of last year re-learning the basics, doing physio therapy for months, whacking myself out on loony tune nerve drugs,  waking up somewhere near Xmas, wondering what the hell had happened.
Looking back, it was different but not undo-able. On the one had I remember very little about most of last year. On the plus side, I had a good time when I was aware of what was going on.
What I'm looking to avoid as best I can, is my tendency to flinch.  I dumped all performing, all arty stuff of any kind. I'd started last year writing, then the nerve thingy wiped me out. I'd already stopped performing when I lost the ability to walk, a couple of years ago. I built that back through the infusions and exercise but i still don't think I can perform. Well, safely perform. Can I stand and talk on a stage? I think so, it would take time to get that muscle back.
What I would really like is to find something arty I can do. Writing is beginning to work out, but I do like company. Still don't know what else I can do, but, if I see it, i'll try not to flinch.