Rain

Having had a confusing week, with spring weather, winter weather, and spring in the day, and cold that I didn't see coming weather in the evening, we have settled on raining, with the potential for a tornado.
When I moved here, I was terrified of tornados. This was because the day after I moved here, I heard my first tornado siren test. I was in my new flat, in my new country, and as far as I knew, some sort of war had just been declared. I was a little perturbed.
I now know that the siren in Columbus will go off every Thursday at midday. I also know that hearing the siren at any other time is bad news. I have seen the over excited weather people, as they detail the tornado that may be coming, by showing the potential path, and the place you should hide if it hits your house. Apparently its England though Doris gave me pass for thought about that.
I have had the siren wake me up at 2am. Bugger I thought,  as I sat listening to the death wind howling around me. And then it went somewhere else.
So, today is a little confusing. The news has been saying,
"We are ok, its gone past. Hang on, oh, ah, well, we'll keep an eye out."
The confusion is that I know that the warning is definitely going to go off at midday.Hmm....perturbing.

Connection Fail

I know that the world has supposed to have moved to a glorious place where we can talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time we want. I use this a lot to stay in touch with my friends in England. I really like it, but as time goes on I find that I get to do it less, because people are busy, and they are not sitting around waiting for my call. Having thought about it, I think this is alright. This means that we are both doing stuff, and that we will have more to talk about when we both have the time.
What I don't like is people from countries I've never visited who phone me at 5 O'clock in the fucking morning. I've never been to Uruguay, so the odds are that I don't know you. I answered one of these calls, because the call came in as an unknown number. This can be from England, and at that time of the morning, its going to be bad, and I had better take it. There was some bollocks being waffled that I had no interest in trying to decipher, so I hung up. and they called again. Fuck off! Done.
Well all done until today, when a call came in that showed it was from Uruguay, who I presume is the twat that phoned me at 5 in the morning. Now, it may be a wrong number. But, the amount of reports of cons being done over the phone is quite high. If you believe the scaremongering, its an epidemic! So, my Uruguan phone buddy, check the number you were given, and piss off.
Oh, and if its a girl or boy that you are looking for ? Like me, they are not interested in you, and gave you a fake. As I said, piss off!
If you are going to be given a fake number from someone who is not interested, could you be from somewhere easier to spell than Uruguay. Thanks.

Easy Street.

I’m writing now, quite drunk, attempting to sober up. Having spent four days in the house, talking to few and doing less, I found myself at the end of days, at the last Wine Wednesday at Easy Street, which is due to shut forever this Saturday. You could feel the fade, few of the wines were available, though the one we got was excellent. The food was great, and the atmosphere was amazing. The bar was absolutely packed, which is a lot different to how it has been in the last few months. Iif the bar had been running like this, it would not be closing. 

It was  amazing to be a witness too the end of times. I could feel the bars last throes playing out around me. it didn’t  matter how great the room was, or how hard that everyone  played, it was over.

We'll be back on Saturday, for the last brunch.

Back.

No computer for a year and  a half. Now I have one. No excuses, time to get some work done.

Well that was a few days ago. I was left on my own for the weekend. All the movie channels were streaming free until Monday. I didn't even leave the house. At all. I did watch a couple of good boxing movies, southpaw and Creed. This was as much exercise as I managed. I did make a nice banana bread. Monday went as badly

. Today is Tuesday. Things have to pick up. Im typing away right now. I have to release some ideas. Its not that I'm suffering from writers block. I’ve slid into the “Oh well, I’m really ill, lets not worry about it’” state of mind. 

I’ve spent the last month doing a lot of medical things, land learning how to walk properly, again. I have had two hard falls, I think that they happened because I am relearning how to walk. It doesn't make the bruises any more fun. But, I live with bruises all the time. I bump against walls, always a lot harder than I think. It makes me want to stay still and avoid the risk. Then I feel like a failure for avoiding risk. 

Its one of the biggest problems with MS. Knowing that Im mentally capable of doing things, talented enough, and then I get physically challenged constantly. 26 years of this has meant that I have only been able to do, what I know I’m capable of, and that I love to do, until I hit collapse, and have to retreat into yet another holding pattern. 

This present pattern has gone on for way too long. I no longer have the time to waste. I need to pour the words out. They are there. Im typing at the speed of thought now. I’m not sitting pondering. Its how I play guitar. I look to get into a rhythm and start deconstructing on the fly. I am doing what I do when I play, where I go back and edit what Im doing. Thats not exactly typing at the speed of thought then is it? Fuck off, how shitty and incomprehensible do you want ithis to be?

Im sitting at my new computer.

Ive just set up  a word count. My friends who write properly roll me that then don't start to relax into what they are doing until they have got a thousand words under their belt. These thousand words are only there as a way to relax into begging to work. Ive just decided that I need to get a thousand words as the first thing I do every day, just to see if this works and that it leads to anything at all. Its way too  easy to think, that'll never work ,and to never do the work to find out if it does. I was about to say that this is a major MS symptom, to admit defeat because that is definitely whats coming. No. Whats coming by admitting defeat before trying , is certain defeat. If I don't do anything, all that is left is where to put the Blame. It cant be fault, Im super sick, sick in a way that most people never have to deal with. Yeah, except those that do. Except those who have things a lot worse than I do, those who are at the gate, awaiting death. Ive been told a number of times that I’m facing death. That is a serious mind fuck, I’ve been told I’m facing total disability. Ive been told any number of things. What I haven't been told, is the number of days that I have left. That I should be making amends, leaving my last messages. That is a mind fuck. Telling me over and over how close to the abyss I am, is a mind fuck all of its own. 660 words.

I know that Im not the only one having to deal with this. However, Im the only one living with this shit in the dark privacy of my own head. I’m not that big a fan of myself to begin with. I go from flashes of how good I could have been, at any number of things I’ve tried, to landing on the useless I fee,l is actually happening, with frightening rapidity.
Even typing this out makes me feel like a whining bitch. I have ;lived in America for too long. I really thought of how to tap out from whining. All I could think of was bitch. Or ninny, I did consider ninny.I think ninny is such a sweet word. There are plenty of rough effective words. I swear all the time. ‘Ive checked, that means that Im intelligent, though I think this may have been written down by some cunts looking out for themselves. Nah, fuck it, swearing is clever. Knowing when to back it down? Cleverer still. Having control over your presentation is very important. You cant be in a job interview and say of courseI want the fucking job.

“Of course I want the fucking job!” 

That interview could have gone better. 

Thats the first thing Ive written in this block that I think could be a good opening to a short story. That is what this is for Think. Keep on spraying out the words until ideas begin to land. This is what I have read about writing. That there is no easy way in. That it is work, constant work, looking for inspiration. You cant look for inspiration, you can be inspired, you can search for ideas. You can go back to Einstein. 99% perspiration 1% inspiration.  I have to do this to start everyday. This actually makes sense. Why would I be walking around, telling one person at a time this great idea I just had, and then losing it as I walk on. I have dumped so many good ideas. I think most people do. Your friends will turn around every now and again, usually after a few drinks, and remind you of that brilliant idea that you vaguely remember was world changing and brilliant. Done me thousand. Break.

Restart

Having claimed that I could not get Blogger to work on my old computer, I did what I always do, poke at everything, until I look up and say,
"Oh, thats better."
So here we are. No new computer, one failed attempt, and a packed  month. Different people came through and stayed with us,which was fantastic The year then took a body swerve, culminating in an election thats sets us up for a very interesting 4 years.
Right, lets check if this still works.

Reboot.

I killed my computer months ago, drowned it on the table in front of me. I watched it try to keep on going, then the screen faded, and it became a dead brick. Bugger I thought, looking at the empty pint glass of water , which lay looking slightly abashed.

 "Again you moron?" it seemed to say. 

I decided not to buy a new computer. I stuck to what I thought. Today I picked up a refurbished Macbook pro. Its not brand new, but it does exactly what I want, and my tunes came in magically from where they've been hiding for the last few months. I can now record the songs I've been writing for the past few months. As ever, pretty tunes, apocalypse lyrics. 

All I have to do is keep this puppy from the lethal swim from a tumbling glass, and I think we will be fine...hmm.....

Bloody minded.

People have told me for years that I'm bloody minded. 

"When you decide to do something, it's best to get out of your way." 

I always thought this was bollocks, but it turns out they were right. This morning when I got up it was raining.

"It'll probably back off," I told myself. An hour later it was still coming down. This was the moment when I had every reason to say,"ah well, no walking this morning." 

This is not what I did. I decided to avoid my usual urban start, and head straight to the park. It was very different, in that I usually enter the park after 2 miles. 

My solution was to walk around finding new routes, until I was happy that I had covered the distance I was aiming for. Ideally I want to start the day with 4 miles. I nearly got it today, but the sky opened up, so I wandered home. 

What?!!! What happened to eating biscuits and swearing at the news? Turns out that I can do both. All I can say is that I honestly did not see this coming, but I'm very happy that it's here.